BUKUKIRAKIRA

2012-01-30T02:45:00.004+08:00

LIVING IN THE MESS

2011/2012

2010/2011

they said,
you can tell the people on how they live,
and until at his point of time,
that is how i live..
am i such a mess?
well, maybe i am.
perhaps, i'm not,
obviously,
not.
pretty much nothing to do,
this is just another add to fill the time.
ok please,
eh, definitely
you can tell a person on how they live
just,

2012-01-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

Malaysia truly Asia.

Ah, it’s January 10th 2012 already, and yet I’m still an undergrad student, 25 years old of age and OK, waiting for my time to graduate. Ah, it is 2012 already, and still they used that slogan of “Malaysia truly Asia”. Almost I don’t know how many years the slogan had been used, and now it came to my sense that what kind of rubbish that slogan was. At first, it’s look like ok lah for a diverse races we have here in Bolehland: we had Malay, ouh I’m a Malay, my father perhaps was a Rao, and my mother’s maybe a Java, but still I declared myself a Malay, we had Chinese and of course not only in Malaysia where Chinese can be found and of course there were lots of Chinese sub-chinese in which I don’t have any idea about it, we had Indian with sub-sub Indian too, we have mix mat salleh, mix tok arab and many more of mix until if we gathered all of it, it’ll look like we’re truly Asia. Ah indeed, Malaysia truly Asia. We invited people from all over the world to come to our country with our most best generosity and hospitality to discover our most best truly Asia country. It’s like you paying in one altogether to experience all the Asian culture that existed on earth. And yet, it sound so right.

I never set foot in other foreign country for my whole life. My life, my point of view are only widen within the country itself, but hey it’s 2012 already and I hope some new improvements happen to this country in which we’re at our proudest declared as truly Asia. I hope some competency and effectiveness for our transportation system. LRT, KTM commuters, busses, highway, and all related to it working at the best it can. Enough waiting for almost 30 minutes just to wait for a single commuter to reach at the station and standing tin sardine- crowdedly before you can reach at the destination you pick for. Many of you would say, naik moto lah, teksi lah, kereta sendirilah, but it happen just the same for those who drive- stuck in traffic jam. We pay toll to avoid any traffic jams and to drive smoothly to our destination but in the end we stuck in traffic jam at the toll gate. Ah for almost I don’t know how many years since these kinds of transportations working intra KL city-inter Klang Valley but it seems like no improvement at all. I remembered some time in 2006 when government decided to spend almost a million ringgit perhaps to improve the quality of our government servants at dealing with people. Are they mad or something? I’m not questioning their decision making, of course they know better than me, they are smart people who had been elected as the people representative, know better what best for his people, but, spending one million to train their stuff in something called hospitality not something I think smart. Upgrade our transportation system is much better necessity and priority at this current time. If the transportation systems were being up graded since 2006, I think it will be better in 2011 and much much better in 2012. You can build many of tall gigantic buildings to represent how developing our country is, but is it the improvement of our people standard of living too is the basis of wawasan 2020? Some people would say, “bersyukurlah pada apa yang ada, or this country had done much for a people like you”, ah rubbish. We are in too deep with the syndrome of “pay first and I show to you later lah”. Many of you would still remember the first time when piracy was a big issue in our Bolehland. Many of big time movie producers were in a big war with piracy, when the sell of local movies in cinema cannot match the sell of our neighbor’s crappy movie like Ada apa dengan cinta and Tentang dia. They blamed our people on excuse that we don’t support their art. Wtf. I rather watch local movie pirate version at home rather than sakit hati for paying ten ringgit just to watch it in the cinema on account to support our local movie producer punya periuk nasi. Why don’t they just make a great movie so people feel like it is worth to pay for instead of blaming the people for not appreciating what they had done for Malaysian movie industry? Enough with the” pay first I show you later lah” because it just the same as “bersyukur lah pada apa yang ada”. Well, congratulation and standing ovation to current local movie producer for numbers of quality local movies available in the market now. Sorry to brag about a little history back to I don’t remember what year just to prove the disease of our truly Asia country.

Ah, as ten stick of cheap cigarettes in which I smoked continuously non-stop, I realize that I had written about the same thing for too long. Politic is a boring topic nowadays, a cliché kind of thing in which whatever route of ideology you’re in, I think, it just will be back to same path of ideology as everyone hold in the first place. So, what I’m writing here is completely non-politic stuff but it is more to what our government should do in the first place (bodoh!politik la ni). I don’t care whoever rules this country, left wing or right wing; hopefully they will embrace people’s priority first. Yes, there are lot of things can be gathered around to be put in the box of people’s priority, as we already understand the varsity of people’s need, but I’m not seeing things in a larger picture right now. Be right at the remeh temeh stuff, and then everything will go smoothly for the hal berat-berat stuff. Ah, who am i to write all these things? Let me just stop here. Whatever it is, hey people around the world, let come to Malaysia, visit Malaysia since we’re truly Asia. Maybe as an Asia country, what happen now in our country suit us well. Our people is young, our country is young then it’s ok lah. Like a kid in a candy shop, I got my rm 200 worth of choki-choki. Every time the hurricane of election day come, government was like at their best manner-giving free candy to us.yeah! I’m happy and need to wait for the next five years for my next candy.

2011-12-09T00:22:00.001+08:00

after all, our country is where the monsoon meets

“Tahan” , if given to English translation means endure, and it was the name of the tallest mountain in peninsular Malaysia, Mount Tahan ( 2187 m a.s.l). A few weeks back, I got a chance to visit the second entrance of the National Park, which is located at the Sungai Relau in Merapoh. As I was fascinated by the beauty of its thick wet forest, it came to my mind who was the first men able to reach the top of the mountain. Yes, up until today, there were millions of men had reach the top of the mountain, and there were thousands of men had reach it for hundreds of times. So, it is not wrong for me to say that, it is very cliché to write about Gunung Tahan since it is already a well known just like what we already know about Everest and Mount Kinabalu. Sadly for me, I still didn’t has the chance to penetrate deep inside this protected area and experience the quest for adventure just like Chris Bonington chose to name his book “Quest for adventure, remarkable feats of exploration and adventure 1950-2000”. Well, I’m not a that kind of man who eager to climb mountain, or an active mountain hiker, I just love being on the top of a mountain, smoking my favorite cigarettes, having a nice cup of hot cold coffee and experiencing the very best part of nature from the very high view. It is like giving you a complete satisfaction after long hours of walking, after your feet trying to tell your mind to stop walking, after your body lost some of its ability but you keep telling yourself to continue trekking, continue to give yourself some face because if everybody can do it, you can do it too. It is a bit of ego that makes you to continue trekking and reach to the summit.

Back to Tahan story, back to hundreds years ago, back to where superstitious is in every part of our ancestor’s custom, Mount Tahan was known for a sacred place, a forbidden place as it was believed to be occupied by mystical being. Almost the same story of Mount Kinabalu, Mount Tahan’s peak was believed to be controlled by cannibal apes the size of rhinoceros (Robinson, 1908). This giant apes was said to be the guide of the two wells that contained magic stone known as mother vein of all the gold and silver in the country ( ibu emas and perak), where anyone that owned these stone are able to change everything into gold and silver ( Robinson, 1908). Another version of story about Mount Tahan was, old community also believed that the area on the Tahan peak was a home for gigantic creature such as mosquitoes as big as fowls, gigantic serpents and a home for spirits. Until today, there is no evident that being documented proving our local community had conquering Tahan peak. However, it was said that Sultan of Pahang had sent an expedition to search for the peak of Mount Tahan on purpose to find treasures such gold to help develop state of Pahang after facing a civil war that lasted for 6 years yet the attempt was fail due to monsoon season.

Since the white Men who practically owned this country, they had came with the proposal to turn Tahan peak into a hill station since many of existing hill stations in the country was no longer can give enough space to cater many of them. The main idea of the hill station was actually to fulfill the increasing demand among the European, who wanted to create a home country environment like England (Aiken, 1987). In 1891, as recorded and considered as the first attempt to climb Mount Tahan was from H.N Ridley and W.Davidson. However, this very first attempt failed to reach the summit due to unfavorable weather and the war happened in the state of Pahang. In 1893, H.M Becher lost his life on the expedition to the mountain. It was said that, while escaping from the Tahan River, he was stubborn and stoop up while steering his boat even though pleaded by the Malays to sit and allow them to handle the rapid. He fell in the river when his boat capsized and his body was never found. After 1899 by W.W.Skeat and 1901 by John Waterstrad of both expedition was failed but somehow both of them manage to penetrate deep inside the forest and went farther than the lowlands, it was in 1905 when Herbert C.Robinson, Che Nik, Mu’min, Mat Aris and Bulang who was succeed to the summit of Mount Tahan at 10.15 a.m on July 16, 1905 nearly two months after leaving Kuala Tahan (Robinson 1908; Scrivenor 1912). It takes years to look for the summit of Tahan, and it had claimed some men along the way and after more than hundred years, this mountain still there laying tall full of ego of its beauty waiting for us to come visit and to claim the status of the true man of Malaya. It is indeed a beauty that you can resist and apart of the old superstitious belief, Tahan stand still “endure”.

*Monsoon maybe the obstacle to face, and monsoon too had become the reason of many failed expedition to reach the summit but, after all, our country is where the monsoon meet. Let it rain, just let it be that way.

2011-11-18T01:31:00.002+08:00

SAWANG

Blessed,
sad,
next is unpredictable,
love is never a process,
account,
responce,
replace,
cycle,
see the future as you want it to see,
don't change without a flow,
when the bad comes to good,
you'll be blessed.

2011-10-12T02:42:00.002+08:00

allright busit

afraid and fear,
became regret,
regret because of greed.
shame of ego,
remorsed,
compunction.
if i have a good will,
if i dig deeper,
my courage will kill the fear,
fear died with ego,
then left shame for my limit.
sometimes, after a certain thing,
we wish we could rewind certain event,
so we could tell someone,
about the love we had.

2011-10-06T02:28:00.002+08:00

what now?

today is a good day
because i have nothing to say
at least, i felt that way.

so, now what?
that the question which i have no idea to answer.
at last,

keroncong hujan...because it is raining outside.wehu!.

2011-09-16T22:50:00.002+08:00

rotten shame

do not wake yourself up after one in the morning, because you'll just going to get lonely. yes, i said it.

at the age of 24, at the times of commitment is so overrated, in the times where tot do feel like the need of a new company, here lies a story of two young men who still fight with past depression.

1 a.m, tot's hostel room

zam: apa kau buat tot?
tot: saja cek contact kat handphone
zam: hahahahaha..aku pun buat menda sama
tot: hahaha
zam: teruk dah kita ni tot
tot:.............

the story stop there, and the lesson is..1 a.m is time for sleep.

new company? yes, tot really need a new company..lonely has turn him a slave to his libido.

2011-09-12T01:12:00.002+08:00

bleach me

read first before you jump to any conclusion.whatever your interpretation is, at least you have your own reason to be that way.

punk you, bleach me,
change me
be just like who they are
i don't believe in it

2011-09-04T02:26:00.003+08:00

anti-social

at age 1 - ...........

at 5.......

at 9......she's pretty.

at 11.......ouh i can't speak to him.too shy..he's so handsome.

at 11 and 1/2..mak! mak! mak! there was blood coming outside my......ha!

at age 12....abes kelas malam kang, aku call ko eh?

at 12 too,....where should we date? behind the acedemic block at 5 after tuition..is it ok?

at 12 again...."kepada efi,....making small notes, send her love letter, give him birthday present..sayang ko, sayang ko juga"

at 14,..ouh, this is what they call wet dream eh?

at 15, weh, look at her boobs..wah wah!emm,

at 17, " baby, i love you", " i love you too dear", " sleep with me tonight eh?", " ok b", " what you're wearing toningt for sleep", " you guess?"

and all men care is how beautiful she looked.her hair, eyes, boobs, butt and everything on her even her toes..

at age 25, there too many beautiful girls in this world, and i am not going to miss them...

at 25 too, ouh, he's not serious..but i want to get marry

at 25 again....."maybe i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one".

27....he's a doctor, and he's a teacher..emm who should i choose?

28...he's a lawyer, and he's a lawyer too..but the first one is more handsome..argh berdenyut bila fikir pasal dia.

after all, this is cliche that we love in world today. to look for one who live outside this cliche is not impossible..but to find them is like searching a needle in the haystack.

all Adams care is about SEX. all Eves care is all about money. it is what they said..i guess as adams, i think it is true. SEX and money the type of security to maintain a HAPPY life!.

2011-08-26T14:54:00.000+08:00

Called to believe

The world is big. The world is too much big from the eyes of a man who never left his home. Stranded there like an animal in cage. What is like to be on the other side? One may wonder and one may just don’t care because home is too much enough for a person like him. One may travel to outside world, living the life of an explorer, experiences the world in the palm of hand. There are too much great places to be, there are too much amazing people to mix with. It is a waste just to let it waste. Of many places in the whole world, this is a story of one tiny little town called Raub, in the land of once known as Inderapura. Here lie too many lies…

Living in Raub, the west district-side of Pahang is a story not too many have the interest to write or tell. Not that I have the flair to write about Raub, not that I am the one with the all information have the right to write about the wonderful stuff about Raub and explain it in a style that many other Malaysian will have the interest to read but, when I think of “home”, I felt like I had to write something about my “home” and what it’s like to be in a place so called Raub.

In fact, there is nothing special about Raub. An old bloody undeveloped town, ugly babes, worst setting, and a boring life in Raub seems not affected its people at all. Many can google the history of Raub by how Raub got its name. Many too, can google all the interesting places in Raub which I dare to say that there are nothing differences between what Raub have and other places offer for a great holiday. The topography, the precipitation or any geographical facts about Raub are just too ordinary to tell. Raub has no mighty popular, celebrity like heroes which have been told in history. Raub never has for what it take for a land needed by any huge commercial activities so it can boost the economy, to turn Raub into a new highly develop district in Pahang.

Not in my knowledge, the people’s leader chose by the people of Raub in every election manifested the intention to bring Raub to the international stage in which, people around the world has the knowledge even for a bit about Raub, a district of Pahang, part of Peninsular Malaysia exist on earth. And yet, I dare to say, even in Malaysia, there are Malaysian out there still doesn’t have the idea about Raub. What a pity for a place like Raub. If you come from a big fat city out in the west coast of Peninsular Malaysia, who adores you city life so much and I certainly advice you for not to come here to visit Raub, and believe me you have nothing to find in here. But, but as a person who was born in Raub, as someone who has spent much of his life in Raub, as someone who has a greatest childhood memories in Raub, I always find that Raub is the most special place on earth. After all, home is where the heart is. We don’t need a hundred million Ringgit shopping complex to hang around, we don’t need high class restaurant for a romantic dinner, we don’t need a pretty landscape park to date, in fact we don’t need anything that every city has because we can live in our own way. We live in our stubborn Raub’s head way.

A great place is a palace of sour sweet great memories in which you can’t buy in any part of the world. A great place is a palace of love where you surround by the people you care about. A great place is a palace of great people and great harmonies where there are so many feelings come to you when you’re in it, and that place is Raub for me. You can travel to everywhere, you can live in everywhere…and yes, every part of world is beautiful. But, till cannot be compared to your hometown, the home of your family, friends and past. After all, happiness is best when it shared.

2011-06-26T00:44:00.004+08:00

Read headed women and Dickheaded men.

just today, I’ve been planning my day off trip to Terengganu, to sit up on a long bench on a long sandy-white beach, when the late night is full with skinny little stars, smoking the tastiest flavor of my favorite kretek cigarette made only in Indonesia, while waiting for my fishing rod to catch his luck out in the crystal-like water of east coast blue China sea in peninsular Malaysia. Terengganu always be the best state for beaches and any other outdoor resources in west Malaysia. And God bless Terengganu for that!

and just today too, I’ve been wondering why I so fall in love with Terengganu after all the hate and discriminating for the east peninsula’s people on account that them are the read headed women and thickheaded men. They might want to win a fight over a fist, they might treated you as the last choices for a good friend, they might easier to get angry and less tolerance when getting offended, and many more thousand of bad bad cliche "habit" of their people. The myth started for Kelantan’s, the hot term like gedebe remains for Kelantan’s and affected for Terengganu’s people as well. Pity for them.

Well, everybody is redhead and thickheaded. Agree? Yes, it's true. The truth is, for me, I think they were not as what people thought who they are and this title is not just for east coast’s people who live there but it suits all of us who happened to be sick arrogant motherfucker bitch. Well, everybody is redheaded and thickheaded and everybody is just the same/ no different. I got numbers of good friends from the east coast, I even born in the east coast and little did I know, I love being in the east coast and I’m proud of it. Maybe, the city is not as developed as the city in the west coast, but the stunning nature and beautiful setting made it the best among the best. Plus, they offered us numerous of unique, endemic amazing delicious local foods in which you can’t say no to eat it. so no more discrimination, no more hypocrites, to them especially Kelantanese because we're all equal.

i rather live in undeveloped, boring, than the urban self pop pretentious places because the nature it offered. uh..

here, at least things you must do when you're in vacation:

1) don't forget to adapt or to act or to respect the sensitivity of the local people,
2) don't forget to hire tourist guide so you can at least understand or making your visit more meaningful,
3) don't forget to try all the local foods,
4) don't forget to visit all fav places because you don't want to miss anything,
5) don't you ever set a high expectation on the places you want to visit.

Selamat Melawat Pantai Timur jika kamu pecinta alam!

2011-06-17T02:25:00.002+08:00

indulgence/typical

Men always looking for a perfect ten, and girls always asking the money in his bank or i guess we are just seeking for the best. why? the answer is security. we all hypocrites, and the future is not something that we can see in our naked dumb eyes, so that is why we keep doing mistakes.not all of us are afraid of challenge and not all of us are care, but in the end..we rather go for something that make us feel at least a little safe and peace.

for those who are looking for 5, and never care how much money he got, you obviously are the type of people who afraid of getting hurt too.security too.

ah forget it...........this is full of crap.

the truth is, let them choose! let people choose and what will happen in the end, we judge it and take a lesson out of it.ok stop.

this is the real deal.this is the thing that i wanted to write actually-i always think that we need to be rational in every point of life. i always think that the arguement will lead to a better solution and conclution.but,as i think deep to deeper, rational and arguement only lead to a sick freaking thought that messing around your brain. not all of questions have answers.not all puzzles can be solved, and not all reasons are needed in all incidents. and let the myteries do his job in doing whatever myteries need to be hide from people like us.double the pray to Allah, and then you will not have doubts. hope so..i will not dare to have doubt like this.

..........................

to flower on Chini,
as i told you before..
i love you.
40% of your petals are in my head.
when will me meet?
i'd like to go fish in your heart,
on a boat,under the sun..
i'll fish till i get one of your love,
even rain is coming down..
i'll wait!.
i'll have my hope,
because it will make me happy.
and forest always my happy place.
metaphor.
.........................................

2 weeks in the woods.bye

2011-05-25T03:13:00.002+08:00

push up 1000X

1)kalau kau push up 1000 kali sehari, pasti buncit kau hilang.

2)kalau kau tak makan 1000 hari, pasti kau mati kelaparan.

3)kalau kau kurang makan, pasti buncit kau hilang juga.

orang asyik berkata, tidak ada masalah yang tiada jalan penyelesian atau yang lebih basi, setiap perkara yang berlaku itu ada ikhmahnya.ya, saya percaya yang tiap-tiap pintu masalah itu, ada cara untuk membukanya dan saya juga percaya pada takdir, qadak dan qadar.saya juga percaya yang kunci-kunci pembukan pintu-pintu masalah itu ada pelbagai jenis dan pelbagai bentuk ukiranya.manusia yang cerdik pasti memilih kunci yang baik dari jalan yang baik manakala manusia yang bodoh pasti akan memilih kunci yang hodoh dibeli dari kedai yang serba bodoh.

apabila di tekan pada keadaan yang paling teruk, manusia akan berubah sikap. yang cerdik boleh jadi serba bodoh dan yang bodoh boleh jadi bertambah gila babi. pada saat itu, mula la mereka memikirkan jalan yang paling mudah, jalan yang mereka mampu untuk menyelesaikan masalah-masalah mereka. dosa dan pahala, semua tolak dulu kat tepi yang penting masalah selesai.itu cara mereka dan itu cara mereka untuk survive.baik buruk, itu jalan mereka.

seperti sekarang,saya berhadapan dengan kesimpitan dan otak mula la berfikir macam-macam untuk selesaikan masalah itu...

*manusia tiba-tiba sanggup berhutang untuk isi perut yang lapar.
*manusia tiba-tiba sanggup mencuri untuk isi perut yang lapar.
*manusia tiba-tiba sanggup berbunuhan untuk isi perut yang lapar.

duit dan perempuan adalah musuh utama laki-laki.

ouh, dunia...

2011-05-20T01:23:00.001+08:00

PUNK you
The world is out of order. The world is out of law. The world is in a total chaos when there are too many people who speak in different languages. The world is collapsing when there are too many people with too many systems. The world is done when there are too many colors, when they believe that they are actually owned more right than the others-moron supremacy. The world is broken because of the failure from the past- conservatives, fascist, communist, populist, religionist, capitalist and secularist. The world is finish when people stop communicating and start to finish the argument with the edge of baseball bat. Which one is right dear? Which one can lead the world into peace where people can speak back to each other? Do we need another soft spoken politician who just too sweets from the other one? Or we need a chief of reformation? This is land of pluralism, this is the land of varsity and just because of that, did we were created to go on war with each other? Fuck to that. Then suddenly in the middle of nowhere, come this one culture who claims them an outlaw. They are free, freethinkers who are sick of the society: common and normal society. They are sick to live in the world of the hunger and lustful people like “you”. They are sick of the capitalism and sick of the socialism. They are sick of the mainstream pop culture where money was the god. They were sick of the hippies’ culture when people started to lose their originality. They start to gather around in small group, wear the same style of cloths, listen to the so sick high fast riff music, sing a song about the sick world and called themselves as PUNK. People started to speak in different language because of money dear. People started to invent a system because there are people in their neighborhood who poor and hunger. The conservative, fascist, communist, populist, religionist, capitalist, and secularist are in the world right now because there are certain of people thinks that are the better solution for the poor and hunger. People started to end the communication the baseball bat because of money dear. Pop and hippies is the product of money and punk might be the better way to show the ignorance. Individualism is the perfect for the world, and until that PUNK will rock the world.

p/s:

i.Pop punk, punk rock with the teenage love song is so not punk.
ii.Image of punk is so not punk because now it can be sold everywhere.
iii.You’re not a punk when you think music and culture are not in the same lane. Because you have to listen to those anger punk music because that is the culture of punk.
iv.Punk has no religion or any other system so everybody here in our country is not totally punk. Fuck to them.
v.Fuck you if you called yourself a punk, because self-claiming are so for the high class people.
vi.Do not talk about politics because a punk not chooses any side.
vii.After this, you can go to work and school with safety pin on your shoulder.
viii.Fuck you if you are a punk.

Fuck me, because I’m writing this with my own definition of punk.
Actually, I think..we all need to “communicate” because there is always differences between us.

2011-05-15T04:14:00.002+08:00

it was meant to be

Finally, it's a 4 months break and friends, let us find something for not to forget!.

....................................

i was here, and it is really dark.there is nothing up and down and i just couldn't see it if there is something in front of me. the one hit wonder called sway form Bic Runga is playing and playing non stop never bored me. so as my cigarette, never ever it bored me and i feel like he is my wife, he always be my best friend in the bad and best days of my life. he's killing me too but i just couldn't let him go. i just love him with the love that you all will never understand. too bad for me.

dream, ambition and hope always be my wet blanket. i can't see myself in the years to come. just as the dark is covering 90 % of my view, just as the song hallucinating my wisdom, and the world suddenly become darker than anything i can imagine off.

i've been writing bout Raub, my place, my birth town, my palace and my home..but, i couldn't finish it. it was really hard..made me think that Raub is too much special that i can describe it in words. or, i guess..i'm still looking for my home, where my heart really is..

you really need to find your home, your peace, your love and freedom. even it's going to take years, you really need to find it.don't let yourself wandering, wondering in the middle of the road just like a flock of birds migrating for a safer place. home is where beyond just a safer place,not a check point where you can keep your luggage there.

2011-05-11T03:58:00.002+08:00

light you

of dust and ashes,
of tears and pieces,
of today till tomorrow,
of the joys and sorrow,
to say goodbye,
till we'll meet again.

we are all in debt till the end of our life. ptptn loan at the age of 18, car loan at the age of 23, home loan at the age of 30 and with many other loans that we need to pay for the rest of our life if your life is on the right track. you work just to pay the bill. but if you lost form your track, all of these loans might burn you to ash.and just now, the price of the sugar suddenly increase, and i believe so with all other stuff in which might make us poor to poorer. tonight, when i sleep, i hope everything will become cheaper...and i really hope so.

2011-05-01T13:44:00.001+08:00

Cigarette

Chapter One

Alias Ariffin, his life just ended today. A long and awaited winding life finally ended and I know at least now he tasted the joys, sweets and sweat of liberty. I don't know how many years he had on earth, but I am very sure he had the best of it. May god bless Alias Ariffin. He always the coolest one in the circle, the macho like handsome face with a good gifted body figure. He had some hair on his chest, and those six packs were like a weapon to score all the young and lustful cheerleader girls anytime anywhere if he wanted to do so. He had the positive words when it came to bad situations. He had those softies little beard in which had expressed the persona of a young modern- rock star in which he had in him. He was very cynic, but in a very good way. He always was best at advising and commenting and the greatest as a listener. A very rational creative minded with bold perspective point of view. I remembered when i was first met him at Kampung Teruntum. Actually Kampung Teruntum is the first Kampung opened and founded by Haji Senik and his folks just near the Teruntum River in the land so called Inderapura in 1850s. Soon after that, the name of that Kampung changed to bla bla when a man called Tuan Besar migrated there from Kampung bla bla in Sumatera.Ok, that was not the important, but when i first met him, i got a feeling that Alias Ariffin was a fine young man and years after that we just clicked. We had the unforgettable adventure together, we shared opinions on almost everything and he always came with stories and funny jokes I never listened before. He always presented a low profile life in which never interested in making bad or overrated appearance just to catch people’s attention and I always adored him for that personality. He was very good at art and enjoys painting picture, a complete complex art in which I never had the flair to interpret his painting. He was very generous to helpless old women and children and always gave them even one ringgit even it was the last money he had in his wallet. See, if he still alive, you girls should try to score him because such a pity he had when it came to relationship. He never had the chance to love and to be loved. I know he will make a good husband, I am very confident he will try his best to make all people around him happy. He died on May 3rd 2011 suffered from an illness like any normal person had in life. His door to a free teenage riot like life had closed and soon to enter the unknown of the underworld’s world like every human should face when the time for them to do so has come. Good luck for you Alias Ariffin, I know you had what it takes, all the guts and wit, all the skills and wisdom, prepared and ready to face the underworld. Let them come to you!.

2011-04-23T02:40:00.002+08:00

sun day

looking out for a new place to hide,
to earn a new day to like,
to have a new day of so fucking bright.
run and run,
to hide,
run and run,
to the place where the sun has the light,
to anywhere,
and everywhere..
to run and hide,
for the joy of the last ride.

believe me, life is not like this.

2011-04-19T03:21:00.002+08:00

word and action

firstly, i'm sorry mak.i don't know why i turned out to be like this..full of anger and hate.i guess, i just the world because everything has to be according to him.i'm sorry mak, i don't wish and expect for something big but, i wish everything is simple.simple and easy..why can't the world be like that.

.................................

to learn to be thankful,
to learn to accept,
to learn to give,
to learn to be what you are..
to learn to change you are,
to learn to break you are.

and learning is a hard process.
you must fail to be success.
be total asshole,
then you have your goal.

and learning is a hard process,
and learning is a bad ass,

to be thankful so you can accept,
to give so you can change who you are,
to break yourself so you can be who you are..

..........................

i'm sorry mak.i think, i have to stop listen to all the punk rock song, listen to something that can build up my anger, something that can pull the trigger of my hate to the system.i really need to be thankful so i can have my limit mak.the world doesn't need to change just because of me..

....................................

17 dec 1989
encik hasan mutalib.

2011-04-08T03:38:00.003+08:00

Tulipa

to...
Gun and roses,
Mister and Mistress,
The 4 Kings and Queens,
and the stone faces,
the heaven is up there,
but they run towards hell,
they turn left, right,
didn't understand,
wandering wondering,
whichever alley they took,
all are same, lead to one point of no return,
they're looking for equality,
for a better quality,
still, there are somebody lying,
somebody create the truth.
some of them,
work out for a system,
some of them,
corrupted the anthem,
in whatever trust they build,
must be from somebody else guilt,
or fall into endless pit.
of fascist, of liberationist,of conservationist,
of populist, of capitalist,
of communist, of whatever that list,
all are fake plastic tree.

just today, i heard a talk between a girl and her professor about equality.how she felt about the bad judgement and opportunity given to another persons to undo their mistake, to repair and renew their credibility on something some other important thing.she felt that, that was not fair for her because she didn't get that same opportunity. well, i said fuck to her. there is no equality. not just because she didn't get the same opportunity, she can claim they did not fair to her.there, must be something that she had done are not fair to somebody else. she want The World fair to her but, what she do, what she had done is not fair to The World, either she realizes it or not.

just the same as we all:

a)we want fairness and equal, but we're not doing it.
b)we want the world give us fairness, but we're not giving them fair.
c)padan muka, susa kot nak paham.

equality is no equality. no matter how we fight for equality, must be somebody out there lying and create something so called the truth. they played our mind, and we, we adapted to it. well, do not trust this. i repeat, do not trust this.

deep down, i still believe that we can be equal.we can live together in complete harmony. the air is peace and happy.today, our neighbourhood is in peace but not in harmony.we live in prejudice and false judgement.examples:

last week, i had a chance to do survey in Melaka about the lost of heritage trail in Bandar Hilir. one of the study area was in Jonker Street where 99% of local are Chinese. Ok, i had to admit that it was hard to cooperate with Chinese to get, collect just a bit of informations about their demographic informations and their awareness of the heritage trail that had been lost in time.so, i made my conclusion about Chinese, they are not so cooperative especially to me ( malay ).see, i live in prejudice and false judgement because i think negatively, i make the judgement myself about local Chinese in Jonker Street.see, how corrupt i am.so hard to be so positive in all time.

what are the relation between equality and prejudice?

OK, look at what i'm thinking, i think that Chinese are not so cooperative to me because i am a Malay and i might do harm to their business there.in this situation, i had not be fair to chinese there because of my false judgement.i judge them with the thing that i did not even had the right answer.of course, i will tell my friend about it, and they too will have the same view about Chinese, not just in Jonker but maybe whole in Malaysia alas. just because of my false judgement i made a crime to be not fair to them. Ok, this just one examples and i am sure that there are more other examples that can be use to describe fairness and equality.

you can have your own argument on this matter.but, i want to bring the word fair and equal to the bottom level where everybody must be fair to each other.

how can i be fair, 100% fair to the world? no, i don't think i can do so.that is why, in my head, i plant the seed of no equality in this world. pity.my head is broken.and please fix me.hahaha. ok aku tipu lagi.

2011-04-03T02:08:00.003+08:00

Sappy

who did a song about laundry room?
Nirvana.
it's Nirvana, and the rest is just delightful.
the song was awesome,
the song was cool,
but a laundry room?
fuck them.

easy for us to say OK for something that we like.easy for us to get inspired for something that we think is beyond the normality of human being.not to get too carried away or to much exaggerating, but, inspiration sometime can be too overrated.

for what make it worse, easy for us to agree with someone that we are, pitifully, inspired to.in which, the worse comes to worst.

this is the virus that no longer has a cure in our malaysian culture today. we have the propensity to agree, to say Ok, to adore a little too much of our leader.some will hang over the portrait of his beloved leader in every free space in his room , or some when it get too much obsess, hang out his beloved politician portrait in front of his toilet's door so he can watch that picture in time he doing his dirty job.suck right?ok, that are too much for exaggerate.sorry.

but, look at around, when it come to the ceremony to celebrate the opening of a new multi purpose hall in your kampung, usually the chief, the head or the leader of your community will invite this so called Yang Berhormat to launch the opening of the hall officially complete with red carpet, kompang, bunga mangga etc. when he start to speak, people will start to stand and clapping the best their can just to show their appreciation to that Yang Berhormat.

and to make it look more bodoh, say there is a wedding ceremony in your kampung and the house owner invites Yang Berhormat to attend the ceremony along with the entire kampung to celebrate the joyful day of a couple who are getting married.when that yang berhormat arrive, people start to get crazy and the ceremony will stop for a while just to show their respect to that Yang Berhormat.pity for the couple because people should celebrate them more than the Yang Berhormat, shame for the orang kampung and standing ovation for the Yang Berhormat. fuck.

ah, there are too many examples..there are too many incident like this happened.shame shame. don't get me start with another bad bad examples..

to cut it short..

ampu, bodek, patuh, setia are the virus that has been penetrate long in our culture. sometimes, yes..it has a positive side..but, i am sick of that.

agree or not agree..

fuck you.

yeah!

crumbs - disagree..ah,

sappy- Something or someone very lame, or so sweet that it makes you want to puke!
or sappy - just being oversentimental.

which one? both.

2011-03-29T01:55:00.004+08:00

of races

I am a malay because:

1) i speak malay
2) i have a face of a typical malay people
3) i live in a malay country
4) i lost...haha

you cannot say you're a malay if:

1) you had a set of malay's traditional shirt and wore it every friday.
2) you liked to hear to malay's country song.
3) you owned a keris or any malay's traditional stuff.
4) or, you still practically practice the malay culture.

there are diffrences between:

1) racially i'm a malay
2) culturally i'm not a malay.

for some people, culture is the core of a community. culture defines who are we and what are we. surely, it is easy to identify people by their race, but for culture, is always the thing that can raise the conflict between people (human). culture produces misunderstanding, tension and discrimination between others(race).

here for examples that i can find at least a little about the culture that raise the conflict in my eyes:

once upon a time, " in 1874, every malay had as many weapons as he could carry: say, two daggers in his belt, two spear in his hand, a gun over his shoulder and a long sword under his arm.the boys were usually content with two or three weapons.now (after the british colonization) the men carry umbrellas, and the boys slates the book"- Swettenham, British Malaya, pg 135.

once upon a time too, " Malaya, land of the pirate and the amok, your secret have been well guarded, but the enemy has at last passed your gate, and soon irresistible juggernaut of Progress will have penetrated to your remotest fastness, "civilised" your people, stamped them with the higher morality"- swettenham too.

once upon a time too, " by nature, the malay is an idler, the chinaman is a thief and indian is a drunkard.yet each, in his special class of work is both cheap and efficient when properly supervised" - C.G Wanford-Lock 1907

* thanks to my cousin for giving me " what your teacher didn't tell you, Farish A Nor Vol 1, 2009" as a gift.

the need to understand every other culture is something that very important in understanding their behavior. not because i had two spear in my hand all the time, you can say that i am a pirate right? there must be a reason, or million of reason why i always had two spear in my hand.

here a weak examples of our typical people (Malaysian):

1.Arabs is stubborn.
2.Chinese is hard to cooperate with.
3.English is so boastful.

is it true? is it all true? even it is true, there must be something that come with them culturally that lead to their false behavior and attitude ( in ours point of view)

understand others attitude, behavior and culture to lead them to understand ours false attitude,behavior and culture too.

understanding leads to tolerate.thank you.

uh lemahnya post ini.cliche.

2011-03-22T03:33:00.003+08:00

King Fixer, Lady Speculator and a Middle Man.

there are always somebody out there who are going to believe you.Or should i say, either you can tell them the truth about anything that came and cross in your mind or you can tell them about what is like to be an awesome man like you for examples.Or, to make it more dramatic, you can tell them that American is the one need to be responsible for the riot started by Libyan against Gadaffi(speculating the lies and provoke to Libyan people).When it become serious and the people start to be more angry, here come the time for them to bomb Libyan land in the name of justice and to help the poor Libyan in war against Gadaffi.But for the truth, they want a complete control in Libya in term of politic and economy. This is a type of stories where you have no fact but with your sick ass brain, you start babbling things like this any time anywhere as long as there are people who listen to things that you said.Believe me, at least 1/10 will believe in anything you told.So, you can start telling me a story, and I'll chat it about with my friends, and my friends will chat it about to their friends, friends to friend and at last, believe me, it will going to be a massive story where all people talk about it at least one time per day.From just babbling around, it'll become a gossip and lastly, when the heat is hot enough, it'll become a conspiracy and that is just how it work.some people like me will think all the gossip and conspiracy is just a thing stupider than pooping in the sink , but for some people, they eat it everyday.

After the conspiracy in which the one that you started earlier spread to the entire world, there must be someone who going to fix it.this kind of people who what i called themselves as Mr.fixers. they are everywhere .Usually, a fixer, a smart fixer( trying be sarcastic here haha) will start digging the stories, gathering all the informations and investigating the stories to the root, analyse and synthesize the fact until he think that he finally find the right solution to the exact situation in which no body can confirm the real deal, the truth that happen in Libya in that time.so, as a smart Fixer, he start writing a new theory base on your conspiracy and publish it in all kind of means so people out there read about it and digest it in their mind.At last, here come a new conspiracy theory in which the best damn thing that ever happen to this century and capable of shaking the peace of the entire world.

in the middle of the whole process of the establishment of a new conspiracy theory, come a man who called themselves as middle men.this kind of men are the agent of the conspiracy, the most sick bad ass men who responsible for starting a group or a cult like the way it happen today.This kind of group or cult sacrifice their family and life just to fight for what they think is a holy thing.they chose to fight, they chose to leave a good life behind, leave their family, love one and friend for a thing like this.Middle Man is the victim of the conspiracy, Middle Man is the bravest man on earth and Middle Man is the stupid man on earth.

If you smart, you will find that i am too try to speculate about the fight of these kind of men haha.Speculate can start any time and i think, the most dangerous thing in the world is speculation. it is far more dangerous than politic. so salute to Lady Speculator, Mr.Fixer and Middle Man because without them, there are no conspiracy and without any conspiracy, there are no balance in power and influence.sometime, it is sick but sometime it has its own benefits.

Ok.

between color, race and religion, which one do you choose to defend and fight?

If a converted Malaysian Chinese( muslim ) try to change the Malay Ruler institutional System into no Ruler at all, as a malay, what will you do?

Muslim is a Muslim. Malay is a Malay. not all Malay is a Muslim.in fact, there are no discrimination in Islam.there are no different between Arabs and Negro. all are equal.so, as a Malay what do you say about Malay supremacy?

i always believe that you should identify yourself in what your mother tongue are.A Besut-ian obviously not a Ganu-ian for examples.

speculate i more.haha

2011-03-20T02:15:00.000+08:00

1970s and in the end

back to what my lecturer said in my class before about writing a diary, remind me a little bit of my family history.one day in a same old same old day,in a day that no doubt is a quality day, in the time where all the family members gathering around,we all woke up early and the mood of the day was just so warm because everyone in my family having a breakfast together. in that very morning,i can saw the happiness blooming inside the home through the beautiful morning's sun light because all the sounds and cheers really nailed that day.after the breakfast, the elder of my family decided to clean up the house and i, as a complete lazy teenager took the role to tide the old smelly wardrobe in the old room of my late father.so there, in that old smelly wardrobe which filled with old papers and books, i found a diary of my grandfather and a book belong to my father which was reveal a little part of stories of my family.

it was something that make me happy to read and so eager to know more about what happened back in the 1970s. my late grandfather which is the father of my mom wrote and noted the every single things that happened to him in the late of 1970s to several years before he died which mean 1986 maybe.same as my dad who love to write something that he might need not to forget in form of knowledge, the date of birth of his children and the important date that happened to his life.this is all what so called a history and thank to them i got the chance to read and took a short trip down to the memory lane of 1970s.

i was born in 1987, the last date of my late grandfather's diary was 1986 so there was no me making an appearances in that book which made me disappointed a little but had a chance to read others story about my mom and her siblings, the story of my brothers and sisters really cheering me up. picturize the scene, the smell and the moment was really help me to redefine myself and my family value.understanding the history sometimes lead us to tolerate about certain issues and offering a new meaning of sensitivity, love and the bond between the family members.

see, it was not bad to write a diary and my late grandfather prove it to me that writing a diary was not an uncool stuff, or gay or girlish.it is a history and it will never happen again in the same way it happen before.if, if i have the opportunity to pay any kind of price for a ticket to the past, i would with all i might to pay for that little trip just to see the younger version of me and my family.

ok aku malas menulis diari.haha

2011-03-19T00:27:00.003+08:00

the art

you fall in love with the girl you barely know and the only time you had a chance to meet her was years ago. suddenly, because of the technology..you fall for her.it is weird right?so not rational, so not logical and really impossible if we really think about it.the discussion about the technology as a mean of love still on the table but seem to me, nobody can fully answer that matter because love, love is mysterious.

and about a year and a half year ago, it occurred to me something that i'm not happened to realize before about love and a relationship. being in a relationship was like being in someone else's hand.whatever you do, you have to do for both and whatever you plan to do must include her/him for the good and the bad of you and her/him.so, it became less freer and for someone like me, it was OK for the first year of relationship and as long as it continue, it became a burden, a big pain in the ass.

but, here and now..as we hate all the problem that going to appear, no matter how we trying to avoid it, we cannot fight the need to feel to be in a relationship because as a human, we are too weak to go on a war with beauty of love.

you start to think about her/him all day long, you start to smile like a retarded person, you start to look for her in whatever channel ( actual date like a normal date or in internet like a weird date) and the best part is :

when everything just the same,
when the times flows like same,
when the day change like it use to change,
when the people around act like they use to act,
and there is no different about everything else..
suddenly it occur to you..
you know that,
there is a different,
there is a change inside of you.
and that is the beauty of love.

that "change" is the thing that makes you happy. that kind of change is the thing that make you want to swim back and decided to stand back in love.

but, remember..there is still a word that can change the happiness of love: rejection.

as for me, i hate the fact that the technology make me fall in love back.

a lecturer of mine once told us in a class, " you all better start writing a diary.yes, it sound so gay but, for me, whoever writing about their feeling is someone who completely smart. a diary is a form of history of your life and you don't want to forget it when you reach same age like me"

so this post is a diary.haha.

pegi la mati.

2011-03-17T01:59:00.004+08:00

thumbing my way

set a low expectation, or either, a giant mass destruction.

2011-03-03T04:47:00.002+08:00

morning sun

pretty rain always for morning rain,
comforted a perfect dream.

the grass not always green on the other side,
the greener it get the greedier we get .

a picture of her lips,
bring back all the old clip.

let no be left alone,
your hand will get excited to moan.

hide your poops,
even he is your dog.
.......................................................

inspired from "7 simple rule of hiding"

2011-02-10T00:05:00.002+08:00

not WORTH talKINg.

first of all, al-fatihah to one last mak saudara who sweetly remind me a lot that once in past..ayah did had a nice adik beradik just like what i have now in my time.

and the story begin..so so far away back in the 90's. A sweet thin 6 years old boy who know nothing unless to kick butt of one of his friend back in the kindergarten.so in that year too, his father died from an unknown reason even until he turn to 16, he still couldn't find the right answer.so, live there..that 6 years old boy without a father who might had teach him how to play a proper football, who might had time to teach him how to fight in the big world, and without a father who might able teach him about the religion he believe in.

in the late 1999, you might remember a rumour about how millenium going to end the humanity.the nuclear war suddenly happen and machine take the throne to rule the entire world.the electric supply suddenly lost, and for what make it worse the date going to start back at 0 when the new year come then.what a big fuck story right? year 2000 eventually to open its door and shockingly..nothing happen.the first day of the first new year start normally and people just do their stuff like they usually do it before.but, but in the year 2000..is the year when that 6 years old boy who now turn to 13 realize about dream, hope, responsibility and for what it's like to be part of family.he realize about how important to get involve and to invest as many time as he can with his family.

present day, tuesday, on the first week of february 2011.

who is my father?
who the hell he really are?

he now realize that..he has so little info about his father.his hobby, his interest, his ideology and the most important thing what make him become his father?.

so, it's not worth talking when the only source about his father story now is from his mom.mom story is boring, mom story is just the same everytime he ask about his father.

...................................................................................

"if i get a little more time with my mak saudara, i will ask her all the thing i want to know about my father..childhood to the day he died"

why?

because it is important to know a lot about your family..so you can understand the love, the hate and the tragedy if it ever happen.so you can handle the stress..because family is the most dependable unit in the whole world.

2011-01-24T19:04:00.002+08:00

Silly, eventually

january,
take two or three,
the apple i fancy,
red and radically,
love eventually.

like an old phrase said, " from angry, come with love". so, make sure..if you want to get angry, please not to the fat ugly one.

so, what is ugly?

fat and black? or stupid and dumb?

at last, i know..it'll come to the day when face is not the problem anymore.

but is it really true?

"muka yang berseri mampu buat hati pucat senyum kembali"

2010-12-31T00:57:00.003+08:00

WHAT IF

what if?.after two years of marriage to a beautiful wife and two kids; one smart handsome boy and a cute little girl who live under your roof and anyone would say, "uh!look at him, he has a happy family!".sadly, after that time, you finally realize that, you actually in love with other person.you finally find someone who perfect enough, i would say your dare to say that she is your real soul mate, your real freaking good best friend who suitable enough to be with you but, but it was too late for you now to have her on your side because you had a family that depend on you to live.it suck right?

what if, you decided to marry her because you thought she was the one, she was the apple of your heart but after years of married..you found yourself stuck in the same thing everyday.you get bored and jaded in life you live in after seeing your young friends at work really have the best of their life..they get to taste, to enjoy life like you want when you were young.suck right?

and then, what if..after 10 years of graduation and now, you're a successful man who works for a big company in USA. the money is good and that is exactly the life you want to be part in because it was the same life you used to dream when you were a kid.you're mom get to live better because of the money you send every month but, after one night you receive a call..a call from your brother who deliver a news that make you suffer forever.your mom died in cancer and the thing that make it worse you never have the chance to be, to spend, to take care and see her for the last time because of the distance.suck right?

he is funny, he is smart and he has a big fat car who used to make his friend jealous and envy.sound like a perfect husband for you right?and then, B, he is not that smart, he can make a joke but a joke which really annoyed his friend but the good things about him are, he is sensitive, romantic, he is the type of man you can relies on.both of them are dying to be your husband.which one to choose?is the security is better than an expressing love?A who can give you a secure life and B who can show his love to you which are the most damn thing every women need in life.which one?suck right?

see, life is about the probability.the consequences, the circumstances that lead to a very different outcome.sometimes, sacrifice is needed just to make your life better.sometimes, lies seem to be the best options.sometimes..you just don't know what to do..you just rock it until it come to knock you door.choose and no regret because life has no turning back.

2010 is almost done and the its door will be shut forever.but, until the very last moment before it finally close its door..still, there are still enough time for you to do all the things that you have in mind before 2010 become useless.

say you love before he runs away,
say that you sorry if you did a bad thing,
say it..
say and do everything that must to be done.

uh, actually..a malaysian muslim have two what so called new year and it is a ugly fact that i have to accept.

*no spelling and grammar check like any of my post before.sorry.don't have time to do so.i just write it in one single time and no redo and re-checking.

2010-12-29T22:29:00.002+08:00

teamwork and determination

salute!
salute!
to red,
to yellow,
to white,
and blue.
salute!
because tonight,
is the night,
above all the mighty history,
salute!

sure tomorrow, they're going the be in the front page above all the crime, politic, justice and economy.tomorrow, c, p, j and e will become less important than this glorious night.i'm sure about that.

suddenly, malaysian football become huge and people start to have faith back in their capability. there are a lot issues about the ugly fans but, for me, all of that brings back the special entertainment of football.let the fans act stupid, let the air smells like shit but let the joy be on top of everything.

they are a lot of historic football moments happened to me in my life where i enjoyed it so much.first is when Frank Lampard scored in the extra time for England when they played against Portugal in the quarterfinal of European Cup and that goal brought England back in the game.but, unfortunately they lost that game after penalty shoot.second was when john Terry failed his penalty and Man Utd won the championship.uh, that night, people are crazy especially the blues's fans because their team lost in a very very crucial moment.and, third, was tonight.Malaysia won the cup!.congratulations!salute!.

2010-12-23T01:29:00.003+08:00

soon

another year soon to be end, another one will begin. another phase of life will take control and it is a another sign of growing older technically.

at the age of 22, Gandhi already had 3 children..Mozart with thirty symphonies and Cobain had became a super rock star which every girl willing to die just to sleep with him and i, 22..still have nothing.Gandhi said, " whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it" and i agree with him.

at the age like this, i still have nothing to offer and yet, at the age like this i have none huge responsibility to carry because of the my blank page.that page still blank because i still have nothing to write right now.

when you reach at the age of 13, you hope and want to grow fast and want to look cool because you think, being an adult is cool.so, you start grow a mustache and smoke numbers of cigarette just to be cool.you think, being an adult means you free from all the sick rules which your mom and school set on you.how silly is that right?later on, when you reach at the age like this, you wish you stop growing.being an adult is suck.not so free as you thought before.full of commitment, huge responsibility and full of sick thought.so you start avoid all the thing that you have to do as an adult and pretend that you still kid that still in school learn how to live a life perfectly.

but, that is how life really is.at one point of time..you want this, and at another point of time when you already had that, you wish you don't have that.at one point of time, you had a bucket list of thing that you want to in life, so full of dreams and then, at one point of time..you just stuck there and don't know how to dream anymore.

like the feel i felt right now.let them grow as fast as they want..and i, i want to young forever.seriously..i want to young forever.sure, every adult want to young forever.silly and stupid.

let i be 30.because i always think that..real life will begin at 40.thanks a lot for whoever created that line because he/she gave me so much motivation to live a life like i want to.thank you.

to 2010, i say sayonara.

to 2011, i say...mari redah saja.

thank you.this is just another lie..dark girlish part of me who actually write this piece.haha

2010-12-20T03:39:00.002+08:00

BlackHoleSun

stop if you don't dare
lie if u love
laugh if you afraid to cry
run from rejection
score only for the easy one
either defender or striker
you no different from others
protect the heart
start to seach for those who really need you
rather than for whom you really need.
i too
hope esok
flowers may rise
to fill the hole in the sun.
she sun shine me kind

2010-12-02T13:52:00.002+08:00

TENTANG CITA-CITA

umur 6 tahun- kalau boleh saya nk jadi polis

umur 15 tahun- kalau boleh saya nak jadi pilot

umur 17 tahun- saya tak tahu la nak jadi apa

umur 23 tahun- masih mencari cari.

nak set cita-cita tu senang, tapi nak mendapatkan dia tu susah.ye, kita boleh set hala tuju dan cuma perlu ikut je arah yang kita dah tetapkan tapi kadang-kadang jalan tu bersimpan siur dan banyak pulak tempat menark untuk di lawati.itu tentang hidup.aku tak mahu jadi orang yang ikut satu jalan yang sama je smpai mampus..aku mahu ikut tiap simpang ada.

macam dalam cite she's out my league kata "let life come to you".yeah!

kadang orang tua nie mahu sesuatu yang konkrit.tapi kita masih tercari-cari..

2010-12-01T23:37:00.004+08:00

AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS

1/12/2010

do not trade friends with pussy. a lesson i've learned and one of the biggest impact of my life until now.

best damn thing about holiday is, you'll never felt hungry and there's always food in front of your eyes at home.

home is a place that make you a better person. for me, when you get stuck with life and you felt like nothing can change you to a better one..go back to the place where you felt save and for me that place is my home. well, home sweet home right?.

woke up at 12, filled my day with " you´ve crossed the finish line. won the race but lost you mind, was it worth it after all? "..uh what a good song!.besides the humor it tell us that we have to stick to what we believe in life or otherwise..we lost our soul.

light up my winston at 9, teh o ice on the table and listen to same old stories everyday. uh, what a perfect break i had. it's finally december and still, same old same old there and this.

everyday..and my heart filled with rindu to someone.

courting ability and i think i lost it..

2010-11-24T03:05:00.003+08:00

ala carte

put it behind you,
all those freaking yesterday,
look up above,
and you'll see,
the world is big enough for you.

1)this graph is suitable for most of phases, situation or anything is the world.MOST not ALL.

2) i drew it using paint.ok what.haha

3) think how to maintain the third phase.

4) lately, i think i've failed.

5) mari kita enjoy!( puteri)

6) when you fail to achieve,receive,capture, get, and make..all the things that you want, you will face the third phase where everything so flat.

7) bored is everywhere.i look at everything and my eyes see "bored"

8) i think i know why.because i successfully reached the third phase.damn.

9) how to make the graph continuously growing uP?..unthinkable.no matter how you try it, at last you will fail.

10) so, i think..enjoy while it there.

11) in relationship.

2010-11-23T04:18:00.004+08:00

the round and round.(end year project)

December coming.yeah,it's holiday and it's a super free freakin time for being useless, horny and wasted. like any other holiday, for over a month of bird's time..staying at home might knock you down in the third round( i mean after three weeks).so i think, this is the opportunity for me relaxing myself at the "end year project".

money still the biggest problem..but, what the hell..

no five star hotels, ain't the glorious Europe or the arrogant Uncle Sam,or somewhere in the cold mountain of Indonesia..Penang might be the place to escape for a while.maybe.

cheap, underrated and so so.(that's the theme)

doesn't matter where you go, what you get, or what you see but as long as you can feel the satisfaction..then,it's OK.

the most important thing is..the experience.of course, different set gives you different experience. but, i believe cheap, underrated and so so holiday can give you the experience you need with 100% of satisfaction if, if you really try to put your full heart in it.

lets GO.
.................................................................................

2010-11-22T03:52:00.005+08:00

mukasurat 105, gambar indah dari pantai murni,yan.

tak kira di mana kita berada,
matahari tetap di tempat yang sama,
tetap cantik di kala kita rasa senang.

2010-11-22T03:38:00.002+08:00

she's a rainbow-rolling stone.

mukasurat 104,untuk f.zar, bkk

jam sudah tiga pagi,
tak lama lagi sudah hendak pagi,
resah aku begini,
bila mata terbuka disaat mereka yang lain sesat dalam mimpi.

teringat aku pada si selipar biru,
si gadis cantik bermata ayu,
si cinta hati aku,
si gembira sedih bahagia aku,
si seluruh bidadari di jiwaku,
mimpi apakah tercerita untuk dia ujarku.

bila senyum,
aku harap semua dunia senyum,
bila sedih,
aku harap satu dunia ikut sedih,
bila haru,
aku harap satu dunia pergi jauh,
tidak bisa aku luluh,
jika dia luluh.

aku ikut tertawa bila aku fikir begitu,
ah, dia bukan untuk aku,
buat apa aku mimpi-mimpi itu,
cuma harapanku agar dia senang senang selalu.

bait terakhir puisi chairil anwar berbunyi,
"aku mahu hidup seribu tahun lagi",
ya aku pun begitu,
jika ada harapan untuk memberi sinar suka bahagia,
pada si selipar biru,
si gadis berbaju kurung cotton itu.
aku mahu,
aku mahu.

jam sudah 3 pagi,
harap esok,
pagi yang indah untuk si tahi lalat,
walau aku rasa kelat,
walau malam sudah jauh memekat,
tulisanku yang sudah menjauh dan pelat,
aku ucapkan selamat hari lahir,
selamat hari gembira,
seperti mana aku mahu dia gembira,
selamat hari bahagia,
untuk dia di dunia dan akhirat.

selamat hari lahir.

2010-11-19T11:37:00.006+08:00

at last, a little peace and sweet liberty

1) to wrap up season 1 2010 because finally, i reach the end of it.

2) Utusan Malaysia= stupid.

3) dream to leave the country for ten years, working and really like to see how people change after that. face, point of view and life.

4) to be part of National Geographic crews and go into the wild and writing some stuff for it.

5) some of them finally married, engaged and coupled.congrats..especially bukurampaian.may you be loved forever.

6) wrote a poem to si selipar biru.a freaking love poem.on 22.

7) i bolded my head after i don't know since when because...can't find any specific answer.

8) money still the biggest problem of us.

9) reason is better than excuses.

10) being too much free is sick.that's why God give us responsibility to commit.

11) you have to accept the fact that sometime you felt empty.

12) not a sportman, musician, photographer or somebody with sweet ability. i got none.

13) every man gited with sweet words.

14) women are better in multi tasking.

15) you can't understand everything that come to you.but, you can look it in the positive ways.

16) please not be a YESman to anyone.

17) read love novels although it sound so gay.

18) please with current condition.

19) in............

20) people care bout status and fame.every of us..and bullshit if you say you not care bout it.

21) inspired.

22) expired.

23) mr.right in everything.

24) love to compare.

25) love to predict people.

26) i like to call myself as the species of "pandai cakap sahaja".

27) i like to win.

28) i lie and judge people because it is a happy game.

29) ......

30) rolling stone is life.

31) felt like a gay, girl and pondan when talk about dream.

32) every man has their own girly side.true.fuck if you don't get one.

33)everybody is stupid if they're too genius.sorry.

34) friends are bla bla bla.important in life.

35) come and star gazing with me.haha

36) pictures are memories.keep it in a safebox forever.bad or good..all of it are YOU.

2010-11-16T22:41:00.004+08:00

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?(shakespeare)

live hard
walk bold
life's like a greeting card
pretentious
scandalous
colors and lifeless
but,
one thing i like
she's a dreamlike
eyes
face
all i like
a bit of flowers
i'd like to keep one of her petal
so i can remember her forever.

2010-10-28T13:10:00.004+08:00

teringin botak. jadi selamat tinggal pada rambut yang dah lama menjadi simbol mahkota kelakian keterunaan ku.haha

biar muka buruk asal hati puas.
biar kulit hitam mati kene panas,
asal hati PUAS.

kenapa manusia betol mahu kulit yang putih? muka yang cantik? penampilan yang kemas?.ok ini soalan bodoh.tak perlu jawab.terasa bodoh lak disini.

tapi, aku ingin sekali menjadi orang yang tak kisah.itu impian aku. aku selalu kata yang kawan aku tu keladi kulit biawak.sebab dia orang betol2 keladi dan berilah nasihat setinggi gunung dia tak akan kisah.( idola aku). akan tetapi, setiap manusia ade tahap atau limit pada ketidak kisahanya.setiap orang ade satu tahap dan takde sape dalam dunia nie yang keladi sebenarnya.

ade orang kata "aku hati kering, buat ape pun selamba"ah.pedulilah kau.kau selamba sebab kau takde apa yang nk kau kene fikir.lagi pun aku fikir kau sebenarnya buta hati bukan hati kering.oleh itu sila berhenti merempit di depan rumah aku ok?

tak de pasangan yang sempurna dalam dunia nie. aku rasa term "perfect couple" itu elok lah di tuka kepada " complete couple" atau pasangan lengkap yang mana, pasangan kamu telah melengkapi setiap keburukan dan kelemahan yang ada pada kamu.

aku terasa poyo dan mengada2 bila menulis begini.ah..pegi la mati.sebenarnya, lepas aku habis menulis...akan dtg perasaan yang bodoh sebab aku rasa aku bodoh bila menulis.

ouh ya, susah menjadi kebiasaan orang malaysia..tak kira lelaki dan perempuan berperut buncit. "typical malaysian" itu buncit.dan kalau ko tak buncit, beware..ko alien dan tak normal. jadi, tak salah untuk kau buncit kalau kau orang malaysia.

dimana mahu mencari kehebatan yang tak dpt dilupakan?

2010-10-08T15:06:00.002+08:00

i'm writing back..so i don't forget.

you don't make excuse in islam. or, you can give million of reasons in ibadah that you fail to accomplish. but, what ever it is, either you make an excuse or give one good reason..you still make a SIN.

excuse and reason are two different things. when you give a reason it look more HONEST than you make an excuse.

i have many favorite songs.

i have a song which remind me of all good things happen back in 90s.
and, many good songs which remind me of all wonderful moment i had when i was in school.
plus, i have songs which i can use it to make me feel happy.
moreover, i have songs that i use to listen when i want to sleep.

song is a good medium to refresh memory.
mood
emotion.

so when i listen back, i don't forget.
so when i read back, i don't forget.
i don't want to forget.
i don't want to forget ALL OF IT.

hilang tujuan di hutan batu,
mereka marah pada sesuatu yang tak menentu,
suka juga pada sesuatu yang tak tentu,
cinta dan musuh nampak seperti seteru,
lambat laun..aku pun ikut begitu.

hilang tujuan dihutan batu,
mereka semuanya mahu laju,
kadang aku cemburu,
lambat laun aku ikut begitu..

hilang tujuan ku dihutan batu,
mereka semua bermimpikan pada yang baru,
aku masih memburu..
lambat laun aku pun begitu.

lambat laun KITA pun ikut BEGITU.

do not do thing to please people around,
but do thing to please ALLAH.

make sure, I don't FORGET.

2010-09-20T00:03:00.002+08:00

bau bau suka.

it's nice, when you're be around for hours.( this will happen when you like someone)

or

i need you everytime.( this will happen when you love someone for 1 week?

or

ish, i need some space!( this will happen when you be in a relationship for years)

or

ah, get out of my sight!( happen when you hate someone)

or

you can be like shakespeare.

or

you can be gay.

or

you can change that if you're lucky enough. willpower in your hand.

2010-09-08T00:36:00.002+08:00

tentang setia

sejauh mana kita boleh setia? sampai dah tak de sebab untuk kita setia dan kita amek keputusan untuk pergi, mcm tu ke?

mulut boleh kata dengan senangnya.." selagi dunia nie belum kiamat, i akan setia dengan u" tak pun.."ye encik, walau ape pun yang berlaku pada encik, saya tak akan berhenti"

tapi ape buktinya?

dengan cinta yang kukuh pun kita sebenarnya tak kan boleh setia.

dengan rasa hormat yg tinggi pun kita sebenarnya tak leh setia.

sampai satu tahap, yang pada waktu tu, kita dah rasa yang kita dah tak mampu lagi..lalu, kita akan beredar pergi. maka pada saat tu, hilangla setia.

apa yang boleh buat kita pergi? tepuk dada tanya selera.

jadi jgn kata kita boleh setia, jgn tabur kata-kata janji pasal setia kalau tiang diri tak kukuh.

2010-09-04T01:03:00.002+08:00

atas alasan ape?

"ah malas la aku nk ikut ko"
"ala aku ade keje la sorry taw"
"ko pegi dulu, kang aku ikut"
"i nie terlalu baik untuk u"

ada banyak alasan yg boleh kita buat. ada bnyk alasan yg boleh kita bagi..cuma tengok mcm mane penerimaan org terhadap alasan kita tu sama ada boleh diterima atau tidak.

ada org, dieorg bole tahan dengan alasan "ah malas la", sebab pada dieorg, alasn tu jujur..dan asalkan ko jawab dengan jujur, ok la..dia bole terima.

tapi ada org, dieorg tak suka pada asalan yang sebegitu rupa. otak yg lebih tertutup dan tak sanggup menerima kenyataan.

ada org, janji ade alasan sudah la. tak kira alasan ape kau bagi..dia terima sebab ko ade alasan walaupun ia tak kukuh.

pada aku, alasan adalah seperti adab. ada ketika kau kene beri alasan yg bertapis, dan ada ketika kau boleh cakap "ah malas la". sebab, dengan adab yang baik, kau boleh menjaga perasaan seseorang. memainkan perasaan seseorg adalah satu perkara yang paling jahat daalm dunia nie.

kadang2 kita lebih sanggup terima alasan yang pada hakikatnya adalah satu penipuan semata-mata.

ini adalah sekadar pandangan disebabkan oleh aku terlalu suka memberi alasan. dan ini bukan luahan hati dan perasaan..ini adalah sekadar pandangan.hihi.

2010-08-24T03:04:00.000+08:00

haih

minggu nie perkara yang paling dibenci oleh Azlan adalah apabila mata tak mahu nak tidur tidur. bila tiba je masa yang sepatutnya untuk Azlan tidur, otaknya mula la nak bertindak aktif, dan bermacam-macam perkara dan isu yang difikirkanya. sesetengah daripadanya adalah perkara yang sememanganya Azlan tak mahu nak ambil tahu lansung. kenapa la Azlan nak kene fikir masalah dunia, masalah negara, masalah masyarakat, masalah jiran daripada Azlan fikir tentang masalah dia sendiri.Azlan sedar dia ada satu unit kecik dalam masyarakat, negara dan dunia tapi masalah-masalah yang berlaku dalam masyarakat, negara dan dunia bukan kepakaran dia dan dia pasti ramai lagi pakar-pakar lain kat luar sana tu boleh fikirkan untuk semua umat manusia kat atas muka bumi nie. perkara nie sebenarnya dah lama dah terjadi dan Azlan masih tak faham-faham kenapa perkara macam nie boleh terjadi.mungkin ada syaitan dalam diri yang menghasut supaya AZlan fikir semua masalah tu dan tak pun ada nafsu yang masih tak dapat nak dipuaskan.haih.

satu perkara je yang boleh buat Azlan suka suka sendiri sebelum tidur.daripada Azlan fikirkan semua masalah masalah masyarakat, negara dan dunia tu yang sebenarnya adalah sampah-sampah belaka, baik Azlan fikirkan pasal perempuan. sesungguhnya, perempuan adalah ciptaan yang maha cantik dan cukup mempersonakan.dan, dan seks adalah aktivi yang lebih daripada sekadar senaman dan rekreasi sahaja.ini adalah perkara kesukaan Azlan dan mana-mana lelaki atas muka bumi nie untuk difikirkan sebelum tidur dan kesudahanya pagi esok Azlan kenela bangun awal-awal pagi dan mandi sebersih-bersihnya.haih.

Azlan berkata "kalau kau tak mahu disusahkan, kau tak payah la berkawan.baik kau duduk dalam gua jauh jauh daripada manusia lain dan dengan cara macam tu tak de la seeorang pun manusia yang akan susahkan ko lagi. memang kita nie hidup pada zahirnya nak hidup senang, tapi sebenarnya mengikut lumrah manusia, kau hidup atas dunia bermasyarakat. kau dengan secara lansung dan tidak lansung akan disusahkan oleh siapa-siapa pun termasuk orang yang dekat dengan diri kau sendiri. kita tolong sekadar kita termampu sahaja, tapi jangan lah kau tak tolong lansung. hari nie mungkin kau tak susah, tapi hari esok siapa yang tahu? mungkin tiba giliran kau nak susahkan orang lain lak.haih" kepada Minah.haih

Milah berkata" abes bukan ke kita nie sebagai manusia tak sepatutnya menyusahkan orang lain?, bukan ke kita seharusnya mengelak dari menyusahkan orang lain?"betol kata milah tu. kita hidup pasti akan disusahkan oleh orang lain, dan kita patut jauhkan diri dari menyusahkan orang lain. tak semua orang betol, tak semua orang salah. semua orang adalah biasa2 saja. dan sudah menjadi biasa orang yang biasa akan menyusahkan orang yang biasa lain. jangan marah marah bila ada orang suka nk susahkan orang lain.haih

berbalik pada isu asal Azlan. dia terfikir, takde ke ubat yang mampu shut downkan segala masalah yang ade dalam kepala dia? tak de ke ubat yang mampu erase segala ingatan dia terhadap semua masalah yang dia ade?dan yang lebih penting, kadang dia mahu makan ubat tidur pada tiap kali masa dia tidur. agaknya, kalau dia ade ubat sebegitu, sudah tentu dia senang nak tidur dan senang bangun dari tidur.haih

2010-08-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

sepak mula

musim baru telah bermula.

tiap-tiap tahun, apabila musim baru bermula sahaja kita akan bermula dengan semangat baru,

harapan baru, impian yang baru dan segalanya kalau boleh nak baru.tapi seperti biasa,

bagaimana untuk kita bermula?

motivasi?
inspirasi?

ah.
masih tak jumpa.

sesetengah orang berusaha mencari yang baru apabila mereka dah bosan dengan yang lama.
sesetengah orang berusaha melancarkan strategi baru untuk menang
sesetengah orang layan je ape yang nak belaku kat depan muka dia seolah olah dia tak peduli

lansung.
sesetengah oramg sibuk nak cerita pasal cita cita, harapan dan impian kat orang lain..

jadi, kesimpulanya..

cakap-cakap bermakna bagi yang bodoh sahaja,
cakap-cakap besar bagi yang lemah sahaja,
cakap-cakap kosong adalah untuk kita semua.
tapi lebih baik tak cakap lansung. senyap lagi baik.

2010-08-09T23:35:00.003+08:00

perihal puasa

dah banyak tahun berlalu, dan dah macam macam perkara berlalu. perkara-perkara yang sudah berlalu tu adalah memori yang tersimpan dalam ingatan. kita boleh merakamkan memori sama ada dalam bentuk gambar mahukan video, akan tetapi, memori dalam gambar dan vedio adalah tak sama macam apa yang benar-benar berlaku pada waktu itu.walaupun ia dirakam, akan tetapi ita kehilangan "moment" dan "moment" itu adalah satu perkara yang paling berharga yang mampu membuat kita tersenyum suka walaupun apa yang berlaku pada waktu itu adalah perkara yang menyedihkan.

tibanya bulan ramadhan buat aku terigat macam-macam perkara. semuanya membuatkan aku rindu dan ingin ulangi perkara itu seperti macam apa yang pernah berlaku dulu. malangnya impaknya tak mungkin sama, sebab apa yang dah berlaku (moment) adalah yang terbaik pada waktu itu sahaja dan tak mungkin mampu diulangi oleh mana-mana manusia dalam dunia ini pun.

haha..

aku rindu nak baca komik ujang tengah hari dalam bulan puasa macam aku kecik2 dulu. ujang zaman sekarang dah tak lawak. aku teringin nak baca ujang khas tuk bulan puasa.mesti aku tergelak puas..dah la nak tunggu berbuka itu adalah perkara yang paling memedihkan.

itu je isu sebenarnya.aku teringat sebab bulan puasa masa kita kecik2 dulu adalah yang terbaik dan yang tak dapat kita lupa sampai bila-bila.pasti.

2010-07-06T23:37:00.002+08:00

to the King and Queens.
to the all vast land and marine,
to the all greatest human being,
since the last war of vain,
they claimed they were the King and Queens,
they ruled the world as we all were the sinners,
whose to blame?
i me you and fame,
we chase after the hall of fame,
and forget what we left behind are in pain.

you know, sometime when you woke up in a really good mood, and you thought that day was going to be a very good day but, but what really happened was, the situation had changed because of what you saw on tv while you were having your wonderful breakfast. it suck and sicken me out. actually, i had intention to write about this thing long time ago but due to lack of ideas and informations..i kind of stop it for a while. since my life turn out to be moody and i felt like a gay because of my unbalance emotion like i had somekind of lady's problem or something that i don't know i felt like i have to write something and here i am..writing about thing i'm not expert in..but, there is one thing i really know..ISRAEL really killing us my friends.huh.

2010-07-01T16:12:00.002+08:00

makin lama makinn biol

"To-morrow,and to-morrow,-and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out,out,brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow,a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
and then is heard of no more;it is a tale
Told by an idiot,full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

"life brief candle"

perjalan hidup setiap dari kita manusia adalah sudah tertulis oleh allah. walaubagaimanapun pada aku, cerita tentang hidup seseorang yang ditulis oleh seseorang adalah hanya satu kisah yang benar-benar bodoh penuh dengan drama dan lansung tidak mengambarkan apa-apa sebab lambat laun cerita itu akan pupus dek zaman. tak kira banyak mana kau kejar nama..nama kau tak kan kekal selamanya. apa yang kau buat, apa yang kau sumbang atas dasar mengejar nama..lambat laun akan tenggelam dek zaman jugak. oleh itu, apa guna kau kejar nama? kalau kau nk berbuat baik..buat senyap2 sudah. barulah keikhlasan tu jelas dimata mana-mana orang bila kebenaran terserlah.

makin jauh hindarkan diri kau dari kenamaan, makin dekat pulak kenamaan tu datang pada kau.

sejak akhir-akhir nie aku mcm sudah hilang kepercayaan tentang konsep " free country". mungkin sebab, aku mula terhidu yang orang yg mula-mula mencipta konsep "free country" ini adalah individu yang hanya ingin mengejar nama..sebab aku mula percaya yang konsep " free country" adalah satu konsep yang entah apa-apa.

haih...kenapa la aku nk sebok kan diri aku dengan menda yang mcm nie..yang sikit pun dulu aku tak amek kesah..

2010-06-19T23:18:00.002+08:00

wishy- washy tale(jubli perak)

it is all about the damn old dirty shirt.
filled nothing less than the best dirt.
couldn't find it anywhere.
even you cannot pay this tale.
the tender of blackish joy from yesterday.
remain the same in that picture, i ay
remembered, we sat on that orange square quay.
we sang a song of a play.
the times vanished so gay.
and nothing else as i can say.
the tragic dirty shoes long gone.
but the music still in town.
the spirit still on.
the love still no gone.
the hate they face.
the road they take.
the smile they had.
got framed in head.
ain't so good, ain't so fool..
ain't a page, ain't a lie.

farid zaki tade kat situ.

sebenarnya aku nk cite pasal cite dulu-dulu. sejak akhir2 nie aku asyik dgr cite dulu dulu. dan yg lebih seronok dengar cite orang da lama takde. masa dia ada, kadang-kadang kita nie buat mcm dia tade je. dan ada jugak yang rasa, masa dia ada, hidup kita nie tak de kesan pun kalo dia tak de..tapi percayalah sebenarnya, yg hidup orang sekeliling kita nie sebenarnya ada cukup kesan dalam hidup kita. sbb,aku betol2 terasa begitu bila aku dgr cerita lama..

2010-06-17T02:26:00.003+08:00

ralat itu palat

pertama: bahagian dada belah kanan aku rasa lenguh semacam je..sakit.
kedua: badan aku nie asyik penuh dgn angin je..senak perut dibuatnya. pagi dan malam..mesti begitu.damn!.
ketiga: cuti dah nk abes ape projek pun tade. masalah duit mmg selalu menjadi penghalang. nk kerja malas jadi bukan salah sapa-sapa..salah diri sendiri.
keempat: aku tak jadi kekuantan lepak2 ngan aizat mancing.sbb cuti sekolah nie penuh lak dgn hal.

apa kata kau kata tentang org yg selalu salahkan org lain bagai diri dia betol selalu?

apa kau kata tentang org yg terlalu rendah diri kadang2 buat kau rasa nk sepak?

apa kau kata tenyang kau jadi orang no 2 dalam hati org yg kau cinta kerana orang yang kau cinta itu tak dapat lupakan bekas kekasihnya?

apa kau kata tentang kawan-kawan kau yang banyak alasan?

apa kau kata tentang kawan kau yg suka pinjam berus gigi, boxer dan deodorant kau?

apa kau kata tentang perihal kau mengurat seseorang tetapi kau di tolak?

apa kau kata tentang kote kau tak stim selama seminggu?

adakah kau seorang yg mengalami masalah begitu?

semuanya tentang sama ada kau boleh terima atau tidak. tentang toleransi kau dengan kawan kau. kalau kau selalu bertindak kedekut, mungkin kawan kau boleh memahami kau, tapi mungkin dia akan sedikit demi sedikit meninggalkan kau dan mencari kawan ngan seperti dirinya. jadi ape yg aku nk cakap sini, kawan la dengan org yg sekufu dengan kau.

dan perihal ego memang selalu menjadi masalah. aku tak suka jadi org no dua dan aku pasti kau pun begitu. aku rasa baik kau terus ber ego. ego buat kau nampak mahal dan macho.

2010-05-29T00:28:00.002+08:00

about boring and variation

it was holiday and it is boring..it's like listening to greenday's 30/smooth to 21st century breakdown with the same kind of sound and that, that was real boring. but sometime boring can be as good and needed. like listening to foofighter's foofighters to Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace. yes, it was still boring due to all same fucking sound but i needed that, i needed foofighters and i always felt good when i heard of them.

uh boring as well like i am now..make me think, we all need variation in life. like listening to butterfinger's 1.2 miligram to kembali. they produced it with full of variation full of colors made me liked and loved it everytime their song played on my playlist. but for sometime too, variation make it no good for somekind of situation.like listening to pearl jam. uh fuck. i liked pearl jam all the time but just can't listen to some of their album.

what i'm trying here is, sometime we change .we change name, attitude and style because we felt like boring being ourselves, we were tired of life and situation and it is always good for us to change, but remember, not all of people around us can accept it. like the pearl jam and butterfingers like the greenday and foofighters. some of them tried to change, but some of them, were not. uh. the truth is, we are gambling and gambling and life is like a poker game. gamble to change for good then recieve hate by some people who can't accept it. gamble to change for bad then recieve love by some people who like it. we get to choose and learn before take action.

i did the same thing everyday.so abviously definitely made my holiday like shit. but everyday what made me happy was, for two hours i had my moment when i watched two and half man, friends and scrubs at 711. fuck they all good in make us laugh.haha..so that was the thing that can kill bored.yeah.

2010-05-24T23:08:00.003+08:00

rambang muda mudi

yang pertama.dalam keta dalam perjalanan balik ke raub, aku bertanya kepada akak aku.."kau tanak bercinta ke? dengan selamba dia jawab, "ah bercinta tu tuk budak sekolah je". aku terpana dan sejak akhir2 nie aku rasa ape yg dia kata tu betol. yang bercinta untuk budak-budak sekolah je.lebih kurang mcm lagi baik berkawan je.tak paya buang masa buang duit dan yang paling aku tak suka adalah semak kepala. tapi itu pilihan masing-masing dan aku sendiri pun tak tahu mana satu aku punya pilihan.

yang kedua- aku rasa aku nk membodohkan diri aku. aku malas nk amek tahu tentang sesetengah perkara yang aku rasa mcm bodoh.

a) politik- ramai sekarang nie muda-mudi aktif dalam berpolitik. sembang sana sini dimana-mana janji ada kesempatan je nk sembang politik. lagi2 sekarang dah ada yang tuntut student power. jadi bersemarak la semangat muda-mudi untuk berpolitik. tak salah dan pada aku ada bagusnya untuk ambil tahu dan masuk campur dalam politik. cuma sekarang ini, ada perkara yang membuatkan aku terfikir yang sebenarnya politik ini seperti bulatan.pusing sana pusing sini semuanya sama saja.mugkin sekarang si pembangkang asyik mencari kekurangan dalam pemerintahan si pemerintah.akan tetapi bila si pembangkan sudah naik jadi pemerintah nanti, pasti si pemerintah sebelum ini yang sudah jadi pembangkang akan buat perkara yang sama. dok cari salah pemerintah. jadi kesimpulanya sama saje mane2 pun. apa yang aku nk lihat..org yg betol berpolitik demi..ah malas aku nk sebut.

b) baru2 nie aku asyik berfikir tentang perihal yang bukan-bukan seperti apa itu swastika dan kenapa ada di timur barat kebanyakan menggunakan swatika sebagai simbol mereka. setelah aku baca sikit-sikit, aku rasa mcm tak patut lak aku nak amek tahu semua nie. baik aku amek tahu pasal diri aku dan perkara-perkara yang perlu aku ambik tahu je. sama juga perihal gambar-gambar croc la, freemason, iluminati la, zion la..aku malas nk ambik tahu. lantak la..sbb mereka semua tu ada dimana-mana..semua org asyik mencari dimana, apa dan kenapa serta tujuan mereka semua tu..pada aku baik aku buat betol2 dalam hidup sendiri sudah. senang..kepercayaan tu sangat penting.titik.

c) selama nie aku bila bosan je aku nk membaca. tak kidah la apa pun bahan bacaan yang pastinya aku akan baca. tapi kali ni aku malas nk baca dah..baca apa yg perlu je. dulu aku baca surat kabar sampai aku tak sedar yang ex gf aku duduk sebelah.sampai dia merajuk aku buat tak peduli je kat dia..semua berita dan article aku nk baca.tapi kali nie aku nk baca berita sukan je..malas nk baca semua.lantak la apa nk belaku..nanti ada org akan cerita kat aku gak..di kedai kopi.

d) sekarang nie pun aku dah malas nk tgk beita. dulu pantang pukul 8 je nk tgk berita. sekarang aku rasa lantak la..ngan berita. berita yang ada pun lebih kurang sama je..rompak rogol bunuh politik pemerintah. bosan..nanti lama-lama ada jugak si "tahu semua menda" nak cita kat aku.bagus.

yang ketiga- sekarang nie aku rasa nk makan bnyk2 yang sedap dan kurangkan bercakap. aku malas nk sembang hal2 yang berat lagi dah.aku nk sembang tentang yang seronok2 je..aku nk sembang pasal gosip je dan mula menjadi wartawan hiburan pondan dan homoseksual.haha..fuck.

yang keempat- rambut panjang nie rimas dan memanaskan..aku terfikir mahu botak je.jadi tak hensem terus..da la muka tak hemsem jadi lagi tak hensem. ah peduli apa..haha.mungkin la..

2010-05-24T00:02:00.002+08:00

segi tiga dan segiempat.

duit,kesihatan dan kasih sayang. antara tiga elemen itu,yang mana kamu dahulukan dalam hidup? pada aku semuanya sama je. kamu perlukan ketiga-tiganya untuk hidup selesa dan makmur. ketiga-tiga aspek ini semacam berada dalam satu segi tiga yang tiap2 bucunya bercantum pada satu sama lain untuk membentuk kehidupan.

akan tetapi segi tiga itu adalah satu bentuk yang tak stabil.untuk mencari hidup yang stabil, yang ada keselesaan, kemakmuran dan kebahagian, kita memerlukan "kepercayaan". jadi,duit, kesihatan, kasih sayang dan kepercayaan membentuk satu segi empat yang cukup stabil.

tak kira elemen mana pun yang kamu dahulukan, semuanya akan berbalik kepada tempat dimana kamu bermula. ada org pilih duit dahulu kerana dia fikir hidupkan akan jadi lebih gembira. ada org pilih cinta kerana dia tak boleh hidup tanpa cinta dan kasih sayang. ada org memilih kesihantan kerana padanya faktor kesihatan yang baik adalah kunci kepada kejayaan. org org memilih kepercayaan kerana padanya kepercayaan membawa kesejahteraan dalam kehidupan. akan tetapi mereka semua tu tak sedar bahawa yang hidup ini tak berkaitan pada satu elemen sahaja.

jadi pada aku, lebih baik kita mulakan hidup kita dengan kepercayaan. aku yakin kepercayaan akan membawa kita kepada kesihatan yang lebih baik, cinta dan kasih sayang yang sempurna juga kekayaan yang direstui ilahi.

cuma, untuk percaya itu adalah satu perkara yang cukup susah. aku sendiri pun tak mampu untuk menerusakan apa yang aku percaya dengan berterusan dan istiqamah. melainkan seorang itu memiliki iman yang cukup kuat maka dia mampu memperkuatkan kepercayaanya.

dan ingat, dalam hidup ini ada dugaanya. kita akan terus di duga sampai ke mati. tak kira elemen mana pun yang kamu pilih dahulu untuk mulakan pencarian dalam hidup kamu pasti akan tetap kamu diduga.

perkara ini lah yang aku cuba berbincang dengan kawan aku tu sebelum dia matikan perbualan dia dengan tak mahu mendengar kata-kata aku. sungguh bangsat dia..haha.aku cuma tak mahu kalah dan tak suka kalah. dan itu adalah tabiat yang tak elok.haha..

2010-05-22T01:47:00.002+08:00

tersepit

sesal pun tak de guna. tapi sebenarnya, kita memang menyesal dek sesetengah perkara yg kita pernah buat. jadi kita jadikan pengajaran. tapi sejauh mana kita belajar untuk berubah kearah yg lebih baik?tuk sesetengah perkara, memang sng tuk kita ambil iktibar. tapi tak semuanya begitu melainkan kita benar2 kuat dan teguh dengan pendirian. sejauh mana kita kuat untuk melawan?

perkara yang paling susah dalam dunia nie adalah untuk melawan nafsu. dan kadang2 sebab nafsu yang maha besar ini la..kita jatuh. dan inilah masalah aku dan masalah untuk semua manusia kat atas muka bumi nie. kita asyik gagal tuk melawan nafsu.

kita cepat berubah. tapi kadang2 perubahan tu berlaku 5 minit je dan kita lupa kembali terus balik ke tempat asal bermulanya masalah kita. jadi apa yg harus kita buat?

aku benci kaunselor, org yg suka nasihati org. ada ke formula yg betol2 tepat tuk kita ubah seseorg melainkan dia yg mahu berubah sendiri? aku rasa tak de. apa yg aku suka adalah peglipur lara. golongan inilah yg mampu mengubah situasi kita walaupun untuk masa yang sekejap. jadi siapa penglipur lara? tentulah kawan-kawan kita yg benar2 paham tentang kita.

dan skrg nie aku tersepit di antara dua tembok besar.sakit rasanya..haha.

2010-05-20T23:12:00.002+08:00

hari ini hujan

malam ni tiba-tiba lak hujan. lama tak berhenti-henti. lama dah tak hujan mcm nie.

dan malam nie aku sakit hati. sebelum hujan tadi, aku ke rumah membe aku melepak. sedang kami berborak tiba-tiba dia keluarkan statement "umat islam sekarang nie telah tikautkan". dia bercerita panjang lebar..dan tak sempat aku nk cakap bnyk, dia dah matikan perbualan..ish sakit hati aku. jadi ayat akhir aku, aku kata " percaya la ape yg ko percaya aziz. selagi ko percaya dan elok lah tu. jgn kau bercakap tentang apa yang tak paham. biar pandangan kita berbeza..yang pentingnya kita kene percaya. betol atau tidak tu tak penting. sebab kita semua tak akan tahu kepercayaan kita tu betol tak. sebab kebenaran tu bukan senang nak dicari". aku pun balik..

kebenaran pada sesuatu yang ada fakta tu senang kita nk cari sbb da ade faktanya kat situ. kebenaranya telah terbukti.tetapi ada jugak kadang2 kita tak akan jumpa kebenaran. sbb tu lah kita kene percaya. kita manusia nie asyik nk mempersoalkan je. kadang-kadang sesetengah perkara tu berlaku memang tak logik dek akal.

dan tiba2...

susah sangat ke kita nie nk explain? manusia nie mmg perlukan penerangan. kita nie semua mmg tak genius tuk tahu satu2 perkara tanpa perlu ada explaination. tu la yg wujud " u tak faham i la" "u tak memahami la". cuba kau explain then everything will be easy.

hal2 cinta pun, perempuan mane boleh nk aspect yg laki nie bole paham diaorg sng2 je.laki pun sama..tak bole nk aspect pepuan tu faham diri dia dengan selamba je..nak saling memahami kene la bnyk explaination tentang perihal masing2.sesetengah perkara tu kita tak boleh nk nmpk dengan mata kasar.

dah la.aku malas nk tulis lagi..dah makin merapu..

2010-05-18T01:43:00.005+08:00

flower( bucket list)

fuck.tade idea nk berpuisi sedangkan aku nk sangt menulis puisi.

give and believe me you gonna get back. i mean, love and life is all like to give and to get. either u take it or leave it.

don't aspect that you can get the same thing as what you had dreamed about. aspect a little and give it more. don't you ever stop to give.

i had a talk with this woman which i adored so much. she had grown into a woman..looked tougher and smarter.totally different from the first time i met her. she was fragile and weak. i asked her, what make you become like this? she said, its rahmat. so i realize, times always make you wiser.

you can't fake yourself. don't pretend or don't push. its come naturally..eventually.

don't give up to try.

and last. there are demons we live with. don't forget that.haha

2010-05-17T23:03:00.000+08:00

a game of life

football rates a man. and man, usually like football.

striker- this is the most dangerous person on planet. they have total package, sweet talker, rhetoric and to score is the only thing is their mind. their ability and effectiveness are judged by numbers of girl they had scored in their whole life.

midfielder- sometime attack and defend and sometime they create goal and plan the direction of the game. this is the man who capable of assisting their friend to score. uh, indeed dangerous too.

defender- to defend is their priority and job description. rarely go to front and attack. for me, millions man out there is a defender. they love their love one but sometime they attack and score too.haha..a defender just a normal man.

goalkeeper- stick to one gun, to one women. not normal but i think girl love them.

2010-03-10T04:07:00.000+08:00

HIlanG

hilang yang entah kemana
lalu seluruh dunia terasa sunyi seperti tiada berganti
terduduk aku,
sediri disini,
dilaman malam sepi.
terpaku dalam gelap yang hitam pekat dalam
yang cukup kuat menghimpit liang-liang masa yang jauh panjang
dan termenung aku,
merenung masa itu.
dikala kita meniti pada tiap tiap rentetan kasih
dimana kita melompat pada tiap tiap baris pedih
demi hari ini
demi esok yang masih tak pasti.
dia
senyap sunyi dan sepi.

2010-03-06T05:37:00.000+08:00

the long and winding road

pictures, i took it and kept it. got so many stories and never i forget it. sometimes, we laugh for it, sometimes we smile for it. sometimes, we cry..

pictures, here i am now, keep rewinding the stories from the past, stories of a soul that has been gone forever. all i got now, pictures left on the wall.

pictures, fair god and stone faces. till the very last moment, we realize how important to love someone we care. before it is late, make sure, you have to make sure it is a box of good pictures left in heart for a good soul you have around.

pictures, when you lost it, you'll regret for life. beware. love a soul like you love your own soul. because lost is a very bad feeling.

pictures? all the very bad good moments i kept it inside my heart box and lock it with my mind forever. there are memories a good young soul here, in my chest.

another soul had gone. i keep calculate the numbers left.

semoga dirahmati Allah S.W.T. amin.

dan jika masa itu datang, akan aku coretkan sesuatu untuk dia.

2010-03-02T03:27:00.000+08:00

disini mengalamun....hari mendatang.

sure, everyone of us, we want to live calm, peace and harmony where we can buy anything we need for life. and, sure, everyone of us, here and there, we never want to live alone. we need society where we can do sort of things we love because each of us, we know we need them: the society to live. it is some kind of symbiosis or what ever your right word for it, we know we depend on society. this is the idea of, do the right things and everything will be ok. we get our calm, peace and harmony in society so we can smile and happy as we safe from anything bad.

so what about for us? what do we do to buy calm, peace and harmony inside? how do we do it to be happy always all the time? because, this is the question keep rotating inside my intelligent and it is going bigger and bigger and at certain point of time, i can't handle it anymore. it is disgusting when you know, the answer is there, but you couldn't reach it because you don't want to. it is fuck.

so, we have friends 24 7 around us, and basically, for every single moment, we have no time to be alone. we talk, we chat, we playing games, we also have things like work or anything that can keep we busy all day. we too, have lover so we can share everything even soul things and all are the examples of activities which can prevent us to be silent. but, after hours and it comes to shut down time, at the end of the day, we still, still feel empty. the emptiness haunted. and here goes, the question of, "what is missing inside? why i ever felt empty? "

2010-02-23T13:11:00.000+08:00

love, hope, faith are The Maker's plan - gifted hand, lynyrd skynyrd, gods and guns

paint my day out of the wall,
my friend,
paint it white so we don't fall,
so we love till we old,

people flyin high and wings,
live on earth say they were the king,
took control the short cut, we paid their bills,
there's light out there,
there's path even we gonna walk long,
even you gonna walk on your own,
there's light,
so we fight,
to reach the end..

paint my day out of the wall,
my friend,
paint it white so we don't fall.
so we love till old,

the hate the mud on their face,
lets they be what they care,
there's light for us,
because we believe,
in life and live,
the love, the hope, faith all the The Maker's Plan.
alhamdullilah. thank you Allah

2010-02-22T00:39:00.000+08:00

abang adik

raub-1994

mentari baru sahaja terbit dari ufuk timur, kemerahan yang cukup menyemarakan hatinya. dia suka begitu.tiap pagi sabtu, dia akan bangun awal dan membuka pintu tingkap terus melihat keindahan susana pagi. nyaman dan menyegarkan.

"mak ada teksi berenti kat depan umah kita nie, tak tahu sape"

"mak cepat la tengok orang nie"

raub- februari,2010

tepat 16 tahun kisah itu berlalu, dan insan yang tiba di hadapan rumahnya pada pagi sabtu tahun 1994 itu kini terbaring di hadapanya. layu tak bermaya. dia duduk menunggu, setia disitu sejak 9 jam yang lalu. hatinya sakit, rasa marah membuak buak rasa seperti ingin di tampar sahaja insan yang terbaring itu. kalau bukan kerana abang, dah lama dia belasah, dah lama dia kerjakan. adakah patut dia marah? rasional kah amarahnya?

raub- jun 2000

" adik, aku tak mahu kau jadi seperti aku, gagal dan tak membuahkan hasil pada sapa-sapa pun. aku nak kau belajar, aku nak kau jadi yang terbaik tuk keluarga, kita bukan orang senang, aku nk kau ubah nasib mak. mak tu da tua, penat da dia bekerja, aku nak kau ingat tiap kali, tak kira di mana pun kau berada, kau ingat, yang mak tu ada. jadikan dia sebagai garisan tuk halang dari diri kau sesat"

dia masih tak kenal dunia, umurnya baru setahun jagung, tapi dari kata-kata abangnya, dia tahu, dia lah harapan keluarga. harapan yang setinggi gunung, namun, dia tekad untuk mendaki walau penat, walau lelah, dia tahu, kakinya akan berpijak di tanah puncak gunung harapan milik abangnya. mak adalah segala-galanya. dan dia akan berusaha..demi sayang kasih cinta pada insan yang bernama "mak".

raub-jun 2008.

"ah abang tu, dia tu la punca segalanya. dia yang lupa, dia yang leka. dah la masa ayah meninggal dia menghilang. lupa dia kat mak, lupa dia pada keluarga. lepas tiga tahun, tiba2 je dia nak balik. aku sendiri pun da lupa yang aku ade abang masa tu. nie sakit lak, tak leh bekerja. abes nak biar mak yang tanggung dia? ape guna anak macam tu. memang aku tak kan hormat dia la sebagai abang aku"

dia marah, dia bengang dengan abangnya. semuanya salah abang, abang yang terlebih dahulu pentingkan diri. abang yang terlebih dahulu abaikan tanggungjawab. dan dia, sebagai adik, sebagai insan yang masih belum kenal dunia diletakan sebagai pemikul segala beban. dia mahukan dunia, dia mahukan kebebesan. dia juga ada kehendak diri. dia juga ada impian. kini semuanya hancur dan semuanya kerana abang.

raub- september 2005.

" aku sakit adik. hati aku da rosak. doktor kata mungkin sebab salah aku dulu. dadah-dadah yang aku puja dulu tu dah makan diri aku balik. nie hati aku da tak boleh berfungsi dengan baik. hurm..nak menyesal pun da tak guna.."

raub-januari 2008.

"ah, mak nape tiba-tiba abang duduk umah nie.tak keje ke dia? adik tengok dia rilek je hari2. geram lak adik.tak reti ke nak tolong mak?"

" abang kau tu sakit adik. nak wat macam mane..mak la kene jaga makan minum dia. adik tgk kaki dia tu, bengkak, besar lak tu. hari tu da masuk wad. doktor pun tak tahu masalah dia sebenarnya apa. nie mak bawak balik..senang mak nak tengok2"

"ish, abang nie, nk merokok pun mintak duit kat mak. tak tahu malu..da tak kerja tu berenti je la merokok. aku nie tak pe lah.belajar lagi, memang la logik aku paw mak..geramnya aku.hari2 tahu makan je..tolong2 mak kat tanah tu lansung tak nak.menyampah betol"

raub- disember 2008.

" kadang2 kita nie, bila dah mula memang susah nak berenti. kau tengok abang aku tu. sebab dadah, teruk da badan dia. rosak organ semua. bila dah jadi baru nak teringat. dulu masa mula, memang la seronok. tu, da jadi depan mata aku sendiri..memang aku nk berenti la..walau ganja je aku isap, tapi esok lusa kita tak tahu kan..ne tahu nanti da bosan, aku try yang lain.last jadi mcm abang aku.ish tanak aku"

raub- may 2009

"abang kenapa lah kau macam nie. kenapa lah kau letak segalanya pada aku. kenapalah dengan salah silap kau dulu, aku nak kene perbetulkan? kenapa kene aku yang kene pikul tanggungjawab nie. kau abang, kau lah kene urus keluarga. ni tak, kau satu pun tak leh pakai. ape la yang tak kene ngan kau nie"

raub- februari 2010.

dia duduk seorang di pagi sunyi sepi. sejuk kosong dan titis air mata mengalir membasahi pipinya. baru tadi, abangnya meminta segelas air tuk di minum. katanya dahaga sangat. dan kini, abangnya sudah pergi. pergi jauh tak kan kembali. rasa menyesal terbit di hati, dadanya sakit. dia sepatutnya menjaga abangnya dengan ikhlas, buang segala rasa marah. abangnya sudah pergi tanpa dia sempat meminta maaf segala salahnya. sesungguhnya, dari sudut terdalam hatinya, dia sayang dia hormat pada abangnya..cuma..

raub- esoknya

dia duduk dibilik. mengurungkan dirinya berseorangan..ada surat di tangannya..menangis tak henti2. mungkin maranya pada abang tak lah sampai mahu berbunuh-bunuhan, tapi dia sedih dia begitu..dia menyesal dia begitu.

" adik, abang tahu adik mara abang begini. abang tahu abang nie tak guna. abang banyak buat salah. tapi, abang nak adik tahu yang tak pernah terlintas di hati abang mahu abaikan keluarga. tiga tahun abang menghilang. abang ingat, abang pergi mahu mencari hidup, bukan tuk abang saja, tapi tuk mak, abah. abang nak senangkan mak abah. tiga tahun, abang cuba..tapi abang gagal adik. abang gagal. dunia nie luas dan macam2 boleh serongkan pandangan kita. abang kalah dengan dunia.abang pilih jalan yang salah dan tak de u-turn untuk abang. abang tahu, kau pun, bila dah besar mahu "rasa dunia".abang tahu, abang pun pernah seumur macam kau dulu. .......................................................................................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................................................................................

.......................................................................................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................................................................................

tak mampu untuk dia teruskan. terlalu sedih.biar lah kisah abangnya mati disitu.biar lah dia saja yang tahu..

raub-ogos 2004.

"adik, ingat pesan mak yang ini. bila sesuatu kita hilang baru kita sedar keadaanya. bila kita jatuh baru kita sedar sakitnya. bila kita hidup, janganlah kita lupa pada yang ada. jangan kau menilai seseorang dari tindak tanduknya. nilai seorang itu setelah kau tahu ceritanya"

"adik, abang sayang adik. adik la satunya adik yang abang ada. sayang adik sangat"

baru dia sedar.....

amin.

( tade kene mengena dengan yang hidup. percubaan aku yang tak menjadi. agaknya tumpuan tu kene ade..ta perlu siap awal..huh.tetapi bagus sebagai permulaan ke arah menulis cerita karut marut)

2010-02-12T04:44:00.000+08:00

love myself better than you

2010-02-04T02:21:00.000+08:00

rapuh

melihat jauh ke langit
sayup dan jauh
ingin aku petik satu bintang
lalu aku palitkan pada bulan
biar bulan terang
biar bulan menerangi di setiap sudut yang gelap
dalam jiwa jiwa insan seperti dia..
kadang-kadang kita rapuh
hati kita luluh
kita sedar yang didunia ini tak selalunya kukuh..
kita cuba penat dan tersungkur..
cahaya..
biar cahaya itu menjahit pada tiap-tiap ruang kosong
agar ada senyum semula..
agar senyum itu milik dia..
sesungguhnya senyuman dia bak taman-taman surga..

2010-01-26T02:31:00.000+08:00

baju kurung biru muda plain dan baju kurung putih plain

cantik
seksi
ayu
anggun
jelita

tiada kata yang dapat menakrifkan perkara ini..
dan bermimpi lah kita selamanya..
fuck

bila melayu pakai baju yang melambangkan melayu, kemelayuanya teserlah..dan melayu itu memang indah dipandang.

bila seorang melayu, pakai ape yg kita suka, lagi lah perkara itu jadi indah..

keayuan melayu itu terletak pada pengerakanya, kecantikan terletak pada tingkah lakunya, yang anggun itu pada gaya senyumanya, yang jelita itu pada lenggoknya..dan yang seksi itu pada baju kurung yang dipakainya..

dan pada kecantikan mata.

ah, karut.

pernah kah kita terfikir akan apa yg kita nak tanpa mengambil kisah perasaan orang lain, orang yag kita sayang..kawan2, sahabat, mak abah abang adik kakak cinta?

pernahkah kita terfikir akan sesuatu yang kita nak itu adalah sesuatu yang tak boleh kita dapat?

pernahkan kita terfikir yang kita nie adalah merdeka dari segalanya?

dan kalau..

kalau adalah perkataan yang kurang ajar..

ah.karut

2010-01-23T04:18:00.000+08:00

sama tinggi sama rendah sama sejoli

ada bermacam orang, ada bermacam ragam, ada bermacam kehendak dan setiap daripadanya semuanya, ada yang sama dan ada yang berbeza..

adam dan hawa dicipta berpasang pasangan, untuk mereka berkasih, bercinta, hidup bersama dan meniti perjalanan hidup ini dengan penuh taat dan syukur kepada tuhan..

hawa itu dicipta dari tulang rusuk adam..disisi adam, tidak terlalu rendah dan tidak terlalu tinggi.ternyata dari segi logik akal manusia, hawa itu adalah teman sejati untuk adam, pembantu dikala adam perlukan, pemberi semangat dikala adam keletihan dan begitu lah sebaliknya..

adam juga begitu, tidak terlalu tinggi untuk menjati tuan dan tidak terlalu rendah untuk menjadi hamba.adam dan hawa, masing-masing memerlukan diantara satu sama lain. tepat dan jitu. tidak ada istilah, adam memerlukan adam untuk hidup bersama dan hawa memerlukan hawa untuk melahirkan zuriat kerana keadaan yang bergitu terlalu melanggar sifat azali manusia.

bumi dan marikh berputar dengan sifat azali mereka, iaitu berputar mengelilingi matahari dengan orbit masing-masing, bersih tanpa ada pertembungan. cuba bayangkan, tiba-tiba, bumi dan marikh melanggar sifat azali mereka, berputar tanpa adaorbit, sudah tentu kekacauan akan berlaku. bergitulah juga perihal adam dan hawa.tidak patut untuk adam dan hawa melanggar sifat semulajadi masing-masing.

persoalanya, bagaimanakah untuk adam dan hawa dapat hidup bersama, melayari hidup dengan segala macam rintangan dan halangan dengan cukup tabah sampaikan tiada sengketa diantara mereka? kita semua maklum, yang adam itu ada kehendaknya juga hawa memilki kehendak dan impian yang tersendiri. bolehkah mereka hidup bersama dengan kehendak dan impian yang berbeza?

keserasian itu adalah sesuatu yang semulajadi, tidak akan terbentuk jika adam dan hawa berpura-pura untuk serasi. tidak dengan cinta sejati dapat membentuk keserasian. keserasian amat penting untuk mengelak percangahan.

jadi bagaimana untuk membentuk keserasian? perlukah ada pengorbanan? perlukah adam mematikan kehendaknya demi hawa? perlukan hawa padamkan impianya demi cinta pada adam? tidak semua diantara adam dan hawa mampu untuk bertindak sedemikian.sesungguhnya, jika tidak betul2 cinta, adam dan hawa itu tidak mampu untuk berkorban..

jadi pada saya, seorang adam berfikir..

Muhammad pernah berkata, cari lah pasangan yang sekufu..“Pilihlah bagi permata-permata kamu (anak-anak perempuan kamu) dan kahwinkanlah dengan yang sekufu dan kahwinkanlah mereka kepadanya.”

pada saya, bukan duit dan pangkat yang menentukan yang adam dan hawa itu sekufu. cari lah, adam dan hawa yang memiliki kehendak dan impian yang hampir sama..jika impian anda kecil, cari lah hawa yang berkehendakan sesuatu yang kecil..mungkin anda mampu bahagiakanya..jika kehendak anda besar, cari lah adam yang memiliki kehendak besar, mungkin anda akan bahagia.

mungkin untuk ketika ini. jawapanya sedemikian..yang kemudian tak siapa yang tahu.

2010-01-16T03:57:00.000+08:00

realiti hidup

kadang-kadang..bila berdepan dengan satu suasana yang kita tak suka atau kita terpaksa..contoh:

bila ada kawan yang suka berhutang..dan lambat bayar hutang dan kawan itu adalah kawan baik kita, kita terpaksa berlakon depan dia..yang semuanya berjalan dengan baik..mimik-mimik muka kita depan dia semuanya yang baik..kita takot untuk mintak balik hutang sebab takot untuk menyingung perasaan dia..

bila ada seseorang yang menyatakan kata2 cinta, kita tak suka tapi kita terpaksa mengeluarkan kata-kata yang baik didepan dia..dengan mimik muka yang paling baik kita berkata " bagi saya masa" padahal..tidak ada sedetik pun dalam hati kita untuk memberi dia ruang dan masa untuk menerima cinta yang diberi..

bila kita berdepan dengan orang tua kita, kita berlakon dengan abab yang paling baik.orang kata "depan mak bapak pijak semut pun tak mati". kita berlakon yang sebenarnya kita nie, sembahyang lima waktu tak tinggal, di sekolah kita berlajar dengan bersungguh2, kita tak merokok..kita tak mencarut, padahal setiap saat kita tinggalkan agama, kita tolak pelajaran..kata2 kesat keluar dari mulut kita..

ada sesetengah orang yang tak boleh menerima perkara yang kita selalu buat..jadi kita berlakon yang kita nie ok semuanya..ada yang tak suka kawan2nya berkata kesat padanya, jadi kita berhenti berkata2 kesat untuk menjaga hatinya..pada hal dengan kata2 kesat lah kita menunjukan personaliti diri kita..ada yang tak suka..mcm2 la..jadi untuk menjaga perhubungan kita berubah..sekejap demi sesuatu yang kita hargai..

kita suka ke kelas dengan menunjukan diri, menjawab soalan, bertanya soalan, gelak dengan kuat2, berlawak dengan lawak yang dapat didengari dalam satu dewan. akan tetapi, kita terpaksa mengubah karekter diri kita kerana ada segelintir kawan2 kita yang suka menyorok dibelakang..duduk senyap..kita terpaksa berlakon demi kawan2 kita..

dalam cinta sekalipun..kita berubah menjadi seseorang yang lain benar dengan personaliti diri kita demi hubungan cinta..cinta yang kita rasa selamanya..cinta yang benar2 kita hargai..

contoh2 diatas, dan banyak lagi yang tak sempat nk difikirkan sekarang..adakah semua tu hipokrit?

hipokrit menurut Kamus Dewan (Edisi Ke Tiga )bermaksud orang yang berpura-pura berperangai, bersifat dan berkelakuan baik; orang yang memperlihatkan keadaan diri yang berlainan daripada yang sebenarnya; munafik.

jadi yang hipokrit itu adalah munafik, dan munafik ini pada semua yang dah sedia maklum, perangai yang sangat dibenci allah..

tetapi dengan berkelakuan berpura-pura baik untuk memastikan hubungan itu berjalan baik adalah munafik? adakah dengan berpura-pura berkelakuan baik untuk memastikan sesuatu itu menjadi baik adalah tidak baik? dapatkah semua orang menerima kalau kita semuanya hidup dalam terus terang?

jadi pada aku, pada apa yang aku terfikir sekarang nie..dengan kuasa akal kosong aku..yang belum tentu tepat, aku rasa untuk berkelakuan baik memastikan sesuatu menjadi baik adalah baik dan bukan hipokrit..

kita semua hidup dalam dunia nie sebenarnya bukan dalam terus terang..kitya terpaksa menipu untuk kesenangan semua pihak..itu lah realiti hidup..

yang berpura2 untuk kebaikan diri sendiri itu lah hipokrit..

dulu aku pena kuarkan ayat yang berbunyi " there is no such thing called solidarity if we all live in hypocrisy"

jadi fuck dengan kata2 aku..kita semua penipu dalam dunia yang serba tipu ini..tipu untuk kesenangan bersama..yeah!!

2010-01-16T03:16:00.000+08:00

mari mari makan pari

ya bahasa itu indah
dengan bahasa kita jatuh cinta
dengan bahasa kita gembira
bahasa itu kunci perpaduan

yang kurik itu kendi
yang merah itu saga
yang baik itu budi
yang indah itu bahasa

tapi..tak semuanya baik dengan berbahasa
kita boleh dibenci
kata-kata kesat seperti babi cibai pantat nampak buruk dalam keindahan berbahasa

bahasa kita adalah yang terbaik dalam dunia..
bahasa kita menunjukan kerendahan diri dalam masyarakat kita..
kata-kata seperti aku kau saya awak engkau anda hamba dam tuan hamba digunakan dalam keadaan yang berbeza..
yang tua yang muda yang kaya yang miskin kita gunakan bahasa menunjukan diri kita..
bahasa kita memang terbaik..
membuang segala sifat2 meninggi diri..

tetapi, bahasa kita juga menunjukan kasta..menunjukan yang masyarakat kita ini berlapisan..
dengan yang kaya..kita guna kan bahasa berbeza apabila kita bercakap dengan yang miskin..
menunjukan bahawa yang kaya itu dihormati..yang miskin itu.....

satu perkara saya tahu..dan pasti..

yang pandai berbahasa itu sebenarnya kosong..jangan percaya pada kata-kata..

2010-01-13T04:12:00.000+08:00

c.i.n.t. fucking a

indah itu seketika
bila hidup dalam dunia yang dipenuhi cinta
perit pun seketika
apabila luluh segala kehendak jiwa
bagai mengapai bintang di langit gelap
suram dan semuanya malap
harapan
agar ada cahaya datang
biar terbuka segala cinta di hatinya
agar yang indah itu selamanya
agar yang perit itu mati bersama derita yang seketika

2010-01-13T03:51:00.000+08:00

cinta

mood kali nie terlalu c.i.n.t.a sampai watkan aku rasa ingin bermadah.terlalu emosi sampai mata melihat sesuatu pada sudut yang terlalu dalam. kadang2 kita menulis, tak kira apa topik..apa objektif sekalipun kita menulis dengan emosi.

pelukis melukis karya agung dengan emosi,
penyanyi menyanyi lagu dengan lagu yang emosi,
komposer mengubah mencipta lagu merdu dengan emosi,
penulis menulis cerita bunuh membunuh dengan emosi,
si penyair mendeklamasikan sajak-sajak hebat dengan emosi,
pelakon melakonkan watak antagonis protagonis dalam filem dengan emosi,
artis mana sekalipun menghasilkan apa jua seni dengan emosi,
bahkan kita hadapi kehidupan seharian dengan emosi juga..
aku percaya..

emosi kita lah yang menrencanakan apa yang bakal kita rasa sepanjang hari..

pernah ada seketika orang-orang berkata, "buat apa nak emosi, hidup nie kita happy je"..aku rasa, apa yang dia katakan pun sebenarnya dia berkata secara emosi..

aku lihat emosi bukan dari sudut yang sedih pilu hiba bahkan dari sudut yang sebaliknya..jadi memang tak salah untuk beremosi dengan emosi yang kita rasa sehari hari.

orang yang berada di sekeliling kita seperti kawan dan para sahabat perlu faham yang kadang2 sesetenngah daripada kawan2 mereka tak selalunya beremosi dengan emosi yang paling bagus..kadang2 ada masanya sesetengah daripada kawan kita akan beremosi dengan emosi yang paling buruk..

kawan2 yang terbaik adalah kawan2 yang memberi ruang pada kawan2 untuk beremosi buruk walaupun tak kena pada tempatnya..sebab kadang2 kita sendiri boleh beremosi dengan emosi buruk..saling2 memahami baru lah hidup harmoni.

jadi hari ini aku menulis dengan emosi yang kacau bilau bila kadang2 aku tak nampak apa yang baik pada situasi yang berlaku sekarang..

kadang2, kita cinta tapi kita tak mampu nak luahkan.
kadang2 kita luahkan tapi kita takot untuk hadapi kenyataan..
kadang2 bila cinta berbalas dunia tak semuanya indah..
kadang2 kita tak dapat apa yang kita paling nak dalam dunia..
realiti yang paling bodoh untuk kita hadapi..

2010-01-11T04:44:00.000+08:00

otak kosong yang ajaib

buat masa nie..tika nie..aku rasa macam apa yang lahir dalam otak manusia nie memang dah cukup ajaib tapi semua maseh tak kan sampai ketahap sempurna. akibat terlalu percaya pada akal lah wujud macam-macam ideologi yang hebat sampai manusia sanggup berperang untuk memperjuangkan ideologi yang mereka rasakan hebat..apa yang mereka percaya adalah yang terbaik.

daripada akal manusia juga la muncul macam2 agama baru yang cuba berperang dengan agama yang selama nie aku percaya datang dari allah lalu turun diajar melalui Muhammad. bukan untuk mencemuh agama lain, tapi lihat dari segi kesonsangan yang ada dalam agama islam itu sendiri. kahar mengajar yang dia adalah rasul untuk umat melayu dan surat watikah perlantikan dia melaui surah yasin itu sendiri. kahar mengunakan kelicikan akal dia untuk menipu islam yang terang2 mengatakan bahawa muhammad itu adalah rasul terakhir zaman. akal kalo digunakan kat tempat yang salah memang jadi camtu la kot.

kadang2 bila aku kat fb..borak2 ngan member, aku gunakan akal aku yang bodoh ini keluarkan kenyataan bahawa "senang cita semua ideologi tu bodoh..dtg dari pemikiran manusia yg kdg2 tersedia hodoh..kdg2 kita meletakan sesuatu tu lebih pada tempat dia..aku percaya pada satu je..agama..letak agama dalam pentadbiran..mcm piagam madinah..tapi bila da letak agama..aku plak akan rasa semak sbb..bila ada undang2 hudud pasti apa yg aku idamkan untuk wat ketika ni jadi mustahil dan xkan terjadi"nafsu bodoh aku..tapi dah terang2 agama yang selama nie pasti akan membawa harmoni..memperbetokan apa yang dah tak betol..

sekarang..agama dah diasingkan dalam perlembagaan..mungkin la..aku rasa mcm tu..

kadang2 kita terlalu bnyk bermadah yang kadang2 aku rasa boleh mempengaruhi mood kita seharian. bodoh betol..bila nak terlalu sensitif..tengok dan fahami sesuatu terlalu mendalam..adn keluarkan madah madah hebat dan pada akhirnya muncul perasaan yang tak hebat.

kadang2 kita merapu..

sekarang ada pula golongan yang cuba membakar gereja yang pada aku satu tindakan yang memang genius bila golongan nie gunakan akal pada tempat yang salah. kata kawan aku si fadirul fais " bakar gereja..memalukan umat islam itu sendiri". lebih kurang mcm tu la kata dia..dan aku setuju. tak patut untuk membakar gereja orang dan yang patot kita gunakan akal untuk mempertahan hak kita dengan cara yang cukup genius sebab kita semua bukan nya bodoh..

ramai orang yang pandai agama dan celik agama dalam malaysia yang mampu gunakan akal pada temapt yang betol..aku percaya

bila jadi mcm nie..buat aku rasa nak lepak2 minum teh o ais hisap rokok dan kutuk semua yang aku rasa dengan membe2 aku..

kata fadirul fais yang cukup aku setuju "oleh itu saya memilih untuk - duduk > lihat > membaca > analisa > minum teh tarik > mengumpat > tiada apa berubah"

syabas dirul..kita memang sama...

2010-01-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

orang yang kedua

aku fikir orang yang kedua adalah yang terbaik tuk kita.susah dan mustahil tuk kita dapat miliki seseorang yang betol2 kita puja dan nak.jadi dalam tak sedar, muncul orang kedua yang kita tak sangka pada akhirnya akan jadi milik kita satu hari nanti.dan orang itu lah, pada aku, orang yang terbaik untuk hidup dan besama selamanya. penangan orang kedua nie samalah dgn fikir tuk kali kedua, mesti kita dah fikir bnyk2..dalam2..apa yang baik dan apa yang buruk, jadi kita buat pilihan..

orang kedua nie juga, kdg2 dtg kita tak mintak..hadir dengan tiba2 je..bukan seperti kita "tangkap muat" je, tapi lama kelamaan kita rasa senang dengan kehadiran orang kedua nie..

apa yang akan jadi dimasa depan adalah perkara yang cukup magis dan ajaib, dimana kita tak kan boleh tahu melainkan kita anggarkan. jadi kehadiran orang kedua nie adalah sesuatu yang magis dan ajaib juga.kita biasanya tak sedar bahawa orang yang hadir dalam hidup kita tu adalah orang kedua melainkan kita berfikir tuk kali kedua..

"tangkap muat" adalah tuk semua orang yang terdesak..jadi berbeza dengan orang kedua yang datang tak disangka..

orang kedua walo tak sama dengan orang pertama tapi belajar lah bersyukur..kerna orang pertama nie, kita akan lemah bila berada disamping dia..jadi kita senang dipijak dan dipergunakan..

bila berada disampaing orang kedua..kita secara tak sedar akan jadi lebih bijak dan sempurna..

2010-01-08T02:52:00.000+08:00

selamat tahun baru dan dah lama tak bergundah..pasal duit

kaya

inilah kita
cerita kita
warna-warna kita
kisah kita

pernah dulu aku kata
aku ingin hidup kaya
punyai wang berjuta
hidup penuh gaya
korupsi sini sana
yang lain aku peduli apa

pernah dulu aku kata
aku ingin isteri jelita
yang boleh dibeli dengan wang dan harta
asal nafsu ku puas tak terkata
yang lain aku peduli apa

pernah dulu aku kata
aku ingin suami berkereta
biar muka buruk asal tak papa
semua kehendak ku jadi nyata
yang lain aku tak heran peduli apa

ini la kita
asyik mahu hidup kaya
kita lupa
kita alpa
yang duit itu pembawa angkara

pernah dulu aku kata
yang duit itu memang banyk harga
jadi aku jual tanah pusaka
aku hina nusa dan bangsa
demi kemegahan yang aku puja

sebenarnya aku lupa
aku tengelam dalam lena
semuanya jadi tak kena
bila aku lemas dalam juta
aku tak pernah merdeka

2009-12-26T16:28:00.000+08:00

believe

sometime we believe..but sometime we not. when something we hope for, we dream for, has break like hell and nothing we can do to fix it..we stop to believe..

we believe in what the old folks taught us long ago..so we believe in every inch of what they told us..but, when we fail then we fall..we stop to believe..why?

we believe that Allah is exits..the almighty that has the mighty power to control everything on universe..but, we just believe it..hold it..

sometime, we need proof to believe but sometime we just not..when there are no solid proof to believe in something..

is it easy to believe in what we have see..something that has proof..but it is not easy to keep believe in it..not easy to stay believe in it..to hold it

it is not easy to believe for something invisible..something that we can't hold..we can't see..like love..

we believe..we just believe..no sweet talker to convince..just believe..

do you believe,when they say we need to believe?

stick to one gun..believe in what we have believe long ago..

to change..is something that might hurt us..

2009-12-24T03:36:00.000+08:00

procrastinating procrastinate

sometimes, it is good when everything is easy, but fuck..no such things that can be called as "easy"..to get what we want, what we hope, what we have been dreaming about are all not easy..but, when we think it is easy, then everything will be easy..

sometimes,when we hope everything is easy, we stop working to get for it...fuck, not so easy to get easy...

sometime, when we want everything is easy, we take all things so easy..then, at last..it fuck up back..turn out to be so busy..

sometimes, people said..Malay is easy..want everything easy..well, i think Malay is all complicated..not so easy to read, because Malay is full with mystique..rich with..

moral value are..do not easy until it come real easy..

i am one of the people who love to procrastinate things..want everything turn out to be all easy..but, look at me..i end up with no money..no nothing and complicated..

so don't be so easy..

easy is fat

and lastly easy is stupid..

2009-12-23T02:40:00.000+08:00

tangkap muat

tangkap muat dan buat muka ketat
janji ape yang nak dapat
ape ada pada pilihan?
semuanya sama semuanya tiada beza

tangkap muat dan main sebat
janji kita rasa hebat
janji ape yang nak kita dapat
baru la hangat

tangkap muat dan pasti rasa pekat
bukanya kita tak berbakat
janji ape yang kita nak kita dapat
mulut manis tak semuanya lekat
tangkap muat je pasti semuanya tepat..

2009-12-23T01:30:00.000+08:00

circle

what goes around comes around, what comes around goes around..like karma, people said..do something good and all will be good..do bad thing then all will end worse.this is the thing that happened in life, in between some of us.well, some of us, we believe in karma..and some of us..not.but, believe me, good things are not all good..and sometimes, bad things come with good things. because, for me, when we do something bad, it is always end with good things..when we realize, sober, the bad thing we done, is the thing that we never will forget..turn out as a lesson for us to learn..better to end up pregnant than naked.so,what wrong with good things? for me, for what i have in mind..good things drive us to stupidity..sure.it is not like, we have to do all bad to be wiser, but, my point is, let the bad things happen undecidable. let it flow let it be.

we all live in circle, where, what happen today, probably will happen again someday in the unpredictable future.and, sometimes, what happened ten years ago, also has the potential to happen again to us..here and now.because, sometimes, it takes time for us to understand what the real deal for us to do, to be A plus human being..A plus mankind. sometimes, we feel like, we want to be a striker, hunt for goal..hunt for every thing we call it "success". and, sometimes, we feel like, we better be a goalkeeper..like,be the last defense of our roots..the heritage so for us,we don't forget what we are, the red, the white yellow and blue. sometimes, we want to be ordinary,we just want to be the Joe, the average Joe, live in a life of so so colors . some people said, life begin at forty, where, in that time, we finally realize what we should do, the vision the mission, the purposes, the definition, for us to be human. shows how long its take for us to understand..but, i don't believe in that..because..

" kadang-kadang kita ambil masa untuk faham, dan kadang-kadang kita tak perlu masa pun untuk terus bergerak menyelami masa".

"kadang- kadang kita ambil masa untuk bercinta, dan kadang-kadang sekejap je kita dah jatuh cinta".

"kadang-kadang perlu ada sebab untuk kita berkelakuan baik atau buruk, dan kadang-kadang tak sebab yang boleh kita huraikan untuk berbuat baik atau buruk".

" bulatan itu lah kehidupan"

fuck..the important things are, we all happy and try to be happy as we can pay to be happy in that circle..circle of love, circle of friends and circle of life..because, in that circle..there are so many things we never can understand..so many fucking things for us to taste..

2009-12-16T03:28:00.000+08:00

politik sedikit

what is politic? ok the easiest way to find out its definition-

Politics is a process by which groups of people make decisions. The term is generally applied to behavior within civil governments, but politics has been observed in all human group interactions, including corporate, academic and religious institutions. It consists of "social relations involving authority or power".Wikipedia..

and i agree with Wikipedia..but, here at least the first word that come out when i think about politics..

politic is all lies..
politics are all bullshits
we have been BSing by the big fucking BSer to all of us..red white yellow blue..

Ok, two examples of politics ( I'm not sure either it is politic or not), we take the so called democracy and communism..because, these two term are usually used to politic. i have no idea

what is democracy? Democracy is a political government either carried out by the people (direct democracy), or the power to govern is granted to elected representatives (Representative democracy).Wikipedia..

well i think democracy is- choose by the people based on the power of money..who has more money, they actually have the influence and sure..they will win the election. easy.

and communism? A communist state is a sovereign state with a form of government characterized by single-party rule[citation needed] of a communist party and a professed allegiance to a communist ideology as the guiding principle of the state. of course still Wikipedia..

shame, i have no idea, really have no idea about communism..but, as, we all have learned in school "history",communism is the ideology of all bad people..yes, true

ok cut the craps, what i want to write here is, maybe some of us, like me, i don't see, any of this politics, where is right and wrong. i can't identify which one is true that can bring the "harmony" into the society..all i know are, all of these politic are all the same, with one objective; to win what they had believed in. so they start to "merencana" new agenda, new fucking propaganda to win their politics.

maybe the example, about democracy and communism is too general, too random..but, if we look into our politics..i can't still identify which one is true..still, for me, they just wanted their politic to win, to rule, to be on top, because as every election coming..we still heard the same things same news..cliche.

"yg menang pasti sesetengah dari mereka akan terus menang sbb ape yg mereka rencanakan, sesetengh daripadanya sudah terbukti betol"

"yg kalah, masih mencari formula untuk meyakinkan rakyat yg politik mereka adalah politik yg paling tepat untuk merencana"

and war between them had began long time ago and never end until now. and the "harmony"? fuck harmony..

it is hard to explain..and with just little knowledge about politic..but, one thing i know for sure..politic was and is the real reason people fight..war happen because of fucking politic. to win what they believe in.

ok ni baru betol2 mengarut.

2009-12-15T14:22:00.000+08:00

let it be let it be

sometime we love, then we hate, when we end up pregnant, we realize that it is better than we end up naked..

sometime we love,love between individual,love between siblings,friends and love for the country when love is all around and everybody, sure will live in harmony..taste the best taste of liberty..but how to we love? and what is the reasons for us to love? love is the feeling that everybody can't express it into words, and sure, everyone, whoever has their own definition of love. but, how to keep love is the hardest things. because hate..hate..

sometime we hate, because things happen not as we hope for. we dream to live in like a fairy tale world,but as we grow older, we realize that, there is no fairy tale world..we have to do all we have to achieve what we dream for, and sometime, some of us, when we try hard still we end up with nothing. sometime, some of us, we try hard then we get tired..and lost hope..and sometime when we try hard..and success..things happen as we hope for..then in the end of the day..the feeling of hate start to rise..why? because..yg kalah rasa dengki pd yg menang..

sometime when hate is all around..we all start to race..the rat race. everyone racing fast to the end to win the race. there is no good feeling in the race..no tolerance..no pity no nothing because everyone is selfish..in the race some of us..we end up pregnant..and some of us, we end up naked..

but, in the end, when we grow, we get more wiser..we realize, end up pregnant is better than naked..why? because, end up pregnant, we have something we will remember about the fucking race..something that will be the symbol, in which, will make us, will love again..naked? who want to end up with nothing? no experience..no fucking thing left..just humiliation.

2009-12-06T03:24:00.000+08:00

good

this a short story about good. hard to explain. but i'll try the best as i can. well, everyone want to be good..do good thing, good thing will happen to us, do bad things, it will come back and hunt us..like karma..but when we do good things..this happens

we follow, we accept all what our parent hope and dream for us,they plant this magical seed so called " hope and dream" deeply down inside to our heart and begin penetrate that this "hope and dream" is the greatest path for us to take,the dream which to them, is the dream for the greater good, but, not till the end, as we grow up, we start to realize that, we also have plan for us, have "hope and dream" for whatever we want to be in future...of course, there are options to take, but to be "good", parent's "hope and dream" is the one we should follow. so we lost, force to forget all we have for us..is that good?

A girl force to marry a man. another version of parent's plan. but, what i want to mention here, is about the L word, love. it is start with, secretly, this girl, she fell for a man in her college. as the days change to months to years, the love bond has getting stronger,but, sadly, years of love has force to waste just like a blink of an eye. her dad already accept and want her to marry another man he choose, as usual, for the greater good. turn out, the man she force to marry is a man she totally hates. it is all about force and love but to be "good" she..bla bla bla..end with two child, one still in progress, with man she hates. look like a happy perfect family but, deep inside, her heart is all sad..is that good?

sacrifice, he is Ali's best friend, Abu. they were friend since they were five. like all people, best friend suppose to sacrifice each other. so, Ali trust Abu with all his heart. so one day, here came, a girl named Siti. like Nurkasih with a little bit different story line, Ali, he fell for Siti, deeply in love like Titanic type of love where " you jump i jump" love. yes, still a story about love. in the same time, Abu felt the same way, he was in love with Siti and to make this story short, Ali knew about it. So he, give up his love for his best friend. so now, Abu marry Siti Ali end up..bla bla bla..sad..is that good?

trust, yes, it is not easy to trust and to let people trust us. trust is the something expensive but, sure, money can buy trust. it is good to trust? an example here..friendship, a good friendship come with powerful bond of trust. sure, we trust our friends, we let them to swim in, and live in, live with our life. but, when we trust them, they use us like we are part of their stuff. they use us like we have no emotion. like we always, emm..the right word here is " tak kesa la". is that good? yes, it is good to trust our friends..but at the end, we end up..fuck..

when we offer much, give more to whoever in needs, something that we owned,love, trust, friendship or whatever, but in the other hand,in the end we realize that, we actually had lose everything..is that good? yes, it is good if we offer or give to anyone or to who are in need..but deeply inside..it is feel like, the hot flame of Jahanam burning every good "ikhlas" enzyme to dust ..it is what we all called "good".

the examples above not precise..accurate as i hope for..but at least here, i hope some of us understand it..are we really good? what is the thing that we do define as "good"?..this is the opinion from the other side..still unfinished..due to emotion sickness..haha

2009-12-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

Talkative

This is a little story about men. Here, what I found here and there, no matter where I am, this is almost the things that men like and never stop talking about. Sometimes, for the god sake, it is so annoying, and sometime, I found it funny and sometime, it is reality….
Somewhere, somehow, some of men always never get tired, love to, intent to talk about gangsters, how badly they wanted to be the Don, or be in the group some kind likes tough people or whatsoever they usually called it. This is the most fucking subject, I hate it so much when I have sit in the same table with this young fucking lads. Yes, maybe some of us, we already notice about it, and maybe some of us, we do hate it. However, sadly, some of us, men, we like it. Reason? No need to explain anything.

Somehow, somewhere, this is the subject, I thinks, men like the most; Girls. Yes, men love talk about girls. How beautiful they are, how fucking slut they are, how freaking ugly they are and, sometime, like an expert, some of us, men, we, in some kind of unfathomable fucking way, men, they can divide girls, due to their virginity. I do not know, whether, that some girls they see, still virgin or not. Sometime, men, they can also divide the girl based on, I do not sure the right term, but, “banyak air ke tak”. Weird, and it is true? I don’t know, absolutely got an idea about it. For one things, sure I know about, I don’t care at all, the girl I meet, virgin or, “ bnyk air” or “kurang air”. Hell, I don’t care.

Somewhere, somehow, this is the subject, mostly I like about, to talk about the other men, bad and good things about whatever they are. Yeah! I think, this is the other popular subject, for me, or some of men, to talk something, like I write above, bad or good things, and everybody will be the victims, include our own friends. Yeah, our own friend, which is so sad, if the things we talk, is about something bad about him. This is the things never ended and will be continue forever, I think.
I am sure, all of us, already know about these things, but I decided to write about it, reckon, I am getting tired to sit around these fucking lads and talk about all those fucking things. And, maybe, aku xde idea nak tulis dah sejak akhir2 nie..xde mood nk tulis…so aku tulis lah menda mengarut nie..

2009-12-02T04:04:00.000+08:00

bulan (je ne sais quoi- quality that cannot easily identify)

dark..
when everything is black,
when everything is pale,
when everything is all jeopardy,
when everything is jiggered,
there's always moon..
moon with beautiful light,
moon i love and i'll knight,
moon with i and illuminate,
the path for me back home..
moon..
some where here and now,
there are unfathomable feel,
unfinished and unfiltered,
unfit but unfeigned,
complete all the incomplete..
moon is my heart..
moon the one i like..
moon je ne sais quoi..

sedikit bemain perasaan disini..
biasa la musim hujan nie xde bulan
rindu gak kdg2 tu dtg..

2009-12-02T00:25:00.000+08:00

Road trip

This is a little story about an ambition, an ambition of mine actually. I have so many ambitions but this is the best of all. Sunday, the most fucking Sunday ever had inspired the golden’s mind of mine to produce this kind of fucking shits ambition. I have this ambition, with a few great friends of mine, to go on a road trip to every state of peninsular Malaysia. Start with east coast then end at the north. . I have this kind of imagination, to be in a car with a few friends of mine; we drive through twelve states of peninsular Malaysia, take every road along the coastal, you know, peninsular has so many beautiful places, beautiful sceneries, and beautiful views for us to visit and taste every inch of it. I really hope the road trip’s ambition will become reality one day. Hope so. This road trip not just a trip to visit, but for me, it is more like, to have great memories, so for me, and them, to remember that, beside all the unforgettable things had happened in school, this road trip will be the second best things has ever happen to us. No doubt.

What make an ambition come to reality? Here, at least for this right moment I can think off, an ambition sure become reality when we believe in dream, so believe in the power of dream. Then, with the huge amount of desire and lust for successful, we put numbers of powerful energy and extraordinary effort, so we can grab, we can achieve every things we wanted in life. No matter how long it is take to score the goals as we wanted it to be, we never ever stop working and believing in ourselves that we can do it. Perhaps, never ever get tired or frustrated when we fail to do so. In the mean time, do not ever forget to imagine, and hallucinate, so in the moment we try our best to achieve what we think as our greatest ambition, we could have some fun as the motivation. Maybe. However, for sure, I am a man with many ambitions, but until now, not even a single ambition of mind fate to be true. Therefore, it will be good, if, whoever read this entry, not to believe what I am writing here. Ok. So fuck me.

2009-11-28T04:28:00.000+08:00

A cup of tea with her

As I sat down on a kerusi malas in front of my house, I smoked my favorite Winston and looked out to the sky. There were no stars, no moon as they usually lightning beautifully high above in the middle of nowhere. There were dark and nothing else. I did enjoyed the moment of silent but it is strange without moon and stars as I usually saw in the right moment I wanted to have my time there alone. God, I missed that spot and it was the same the spot I sat alone in midnight for years to get me think about anything. That was the spot which I love most in my own house, the spot where I did finally felt free for at least when the time was all messed. Well, home sweet home right?

Then, the pictures of my childhood remain. I missed; I love the time when I got nothing to concern about life and done nothing to fit myself in the society. All I knew was playing with friends from my neighborhood early in the morning and finished late in the evening. It was bright and so memorable. The old song “pop rock and coke” singing loud from my phone, reminded to those all school years. School was the place where I missed much, the place where I met my unforgettable mates, the place where I’m growing fast, getting older by days. Then, the word “if” came down straight away in my thought. It is sound like, “If I can rewind the past for my better future”, “if I can go back to the past and undo all the mistakes”, “if I can”. Well, fuck me and fuck the “if”. There no “if” for every kind of matters. Things had happened and it happens. So live with it.

“If” for me, is the word for dreamers, and for someone who can’t face the reality that they have failed. “If” is the word for all weak. Well, stop using “if” and face life like brave men. My friend once said, if we talked about “if”, “babi pun leh terbang” which for me was all right. He expressed that “ babi pun leh terbang” for something that completely cannot happen. Same as “if”, “if” cannot right all the wrong. Stop “IF+ING” and put numbers of effort to change the situations. Everyone deserves a second chance. A cup of tea with her, but who is her? Well, she is my mom and yesterday I had a cup of tea with her. She told me how hard she wanted me to be a real man. She had hundred percent faiths in me. I knew, I had failed her and so damn knew, I had done so many mistakes. Sometimes, we failed somebody that have faith in us, and sometime as somebody we love put so much faith in us, we get angry, we want to be what we want to be for sure, but what goes around comes around. We can proof them that the options we choose are better and suit us well. The clock still ticking and the time isn’t stop just like that. Times still allow us to pay for our old folk’s faith.

Sometime we forget what we should do. Sometime when we forget, we’ll go all worse. Sometime we remember, we take it slow and then we forget. Yes, we forget for almost of the times. This is not the entry where ‘girls write an entry to express how they felt’ or ‘tired of being a good girl’ but. No words can I write down for what I have written about. Fuck. A friend of mine, Fadirul Fais, he said “growing is like a pain in the ass” and I said, “We will start growing when the scar on the dead skin stop hurting, which in that time we will get wiser to choose for right and wrong.”. I don’t know which one is true but, I am pretty sure everyone has their own definition for the word “grow”. One thing I know for sure, as we grow older by years, we sure getting wiser than the year before.

2009-11-21T15:19:00.001+08:00

POW

They wealth, they have money as they stand in the top of world. They saw things in the tiny little piece of shits as we saw kids playing with their army toys. Of course, they are the “kids”, who acting like the big general of entire nation had the power to decide the battle plan playground. They control the system as they manipulate the hierarchy and they called it bureaucracy. They produce humanity as they create love story in movie silver screen. People blind and they adored them, as they willing to fight, willing to die for their right. They were their right. They created philosophy, they straighten down the ideology, and they play with the heritages as they like to call it “politics”. Image, a very visionary clear image is their face. They can smile in the smile of a smile of the very sincere men. They can talk in the tone of behaved men. Poker face, yes, every single of them has the face that any men can’t believe. They are the guard, they are the warden of a prison, a huge prison called “prison of a very beautiful country”, sampahsarap called it red white yellow and blue.

Us, living like a platoon of army soldier toys. Us, has no power to choose. Us, has no power to change and Us, of course, has low, almost unheard of voice and least channel to write. Us, indeed has several options, but each options us choose, every road us take, will lead us to the “prison of a beautiful country”. The “kids” has plans for us, and us, no matter how hard us try to undo the plan, us will lose. Us, they have lot of plans, numbers of strategies and amount of ideologies but all of it fails to be proved. As a platoon, us come in the different colors, divided with the different mind power, has absolutely different “politics”. There are very little unity in us, there are no solidarity in us to pump up the volume of us voice, to tell the entire red white yellow and blue that their big men ‘kids” has done worse.

We, we are the common living bodies live in and love the “the beautiful country”. We, we live in artificial harmony as we think it’s true. As the matter of facts, money can buy “harmony” Yes, it is all true when “kids” use all the entire Medias to sell it is all true and we completely buying it. We didn’t realize, the harmonies we live in are all lies. Yes, it is definitely lies. We, they have no choice and we live to follow. We as us too, came in the different colors and live in the different culture. Some of we, the hate and prejudice still flaming hot inside and some of we, they just don’t care. We, we know that there are worse out there and we just sit down and done nothing unless talk about it with among we. We, they have nothing like some kind of extra ability to change the worse. We, as we know, we are bunch of blue collars ought to work to live, work for the “kids” and “kids” hold we destiny. “Kids” own we future.

I, I stuck in the room of vacuum. Has no air to breath, has no gravity to set foot on the ground and has no place to live, has no destination to go. I just I, all by I self and didn’t follow all the plan “kids” had in mind. I love to watch and examine things and then silent. I shut their mouth and block their mind for all what I hate. I live in the “beautiful country” as I love much but still has no gut to voice up what I think are wrong. There are many of I and they indeed have brilliant minds but too stupid to choose to live in stupidity. Sadly, I have lot of ideas but still nothing better than a coward.

Who are they or “kids”, we, us and I? sampahsarap has no precise answer for that question. What sampahsarap had known for sure, all of them (they or “kids”, we, us and I), they are, and all the people live in “the beautiful country”. They owned the red white yellow and blue. “Kids”, they live in and they stand on the very top of the “the beautiful country”. They have wide eye sight but they can’t see as what the people at the bottom saw. “us”, they know what is wrong, they have the ideas but none of it is proof to be true. They can talk like a knight fight in the duel but they always lose in the battle. “We”, we have no idea at all or they just don’t care. All they know, as long as they can live normally then, and everything seems to be ok. “I”, are the worse. They know that there is something wrong but they keep shut off their mouth. Maybe, in some kind of situations, they were afraid or maybe, they just happy to be dumb. So, which group do we belong for? Fuck. All of these groups, for sampahsarap, are the prisoner of war. All of them fight each other to win the war that they didn’t realize happens for century ago. Fuck. Susahnya nak terangkan..

2009-11-21T15:15:00.000+08:00

Perfect situations

Morning, a perfect morning is a morning when you are standing in front of your house with a cup of tea in your hand, smoking your favorite smoke and waiting for the sun to rise. In the moment, the beautiful morning’s light come up from the east, there you go, a very perfect morning for you and sometimes it can turn up your day. A very perfect day for you. So, today, as I dreamed for mine since I arrived here, at my very best home, couple of days ago, I waited. The sun came out as usual as its way from the east side and I felt like woo!! What’s a very Good Friday’s morning today! How wonderful world it is, like a giant gigantic gift from God to every human from the entire world.

Then, something came out and straightly messed up my mind. The sun, the big giant sun has rise and fall for thousand of years, from the far eastside and fall down in the red hot west side. Everyday and never fails to do so but I never take that as the things I should think off. But, right now for sure, “a perfect morning” has giving me an idea that I should live my life to the fullest. Maybe, right for me to write, I have all i got “to pursuit all happiness” as long as it is worth for me.

Every semester break, every year, for now it is like the fifth years I had semester break, I never done nothing special for me to remember, at least, for the old days. Something like I can tell to my kids one day, or something like, as a greatest memories that i cannot forget for the entire of my life as for one of my “semester break” , i have something that, so special so meaningful that i have with my great friends. So, “Project Mega” is the perfect answer for the perfect situations. Yes, friends, we are now, maybe 21 and 22 and after this, for years “onwards?” maybe, I afraid, we never will have “semester break” as we have now. So, I think this is (now) the perfect moment to make sure that our “project mega” turn to life, and as for us, we can live our life to the fullest as we can afford. The sun isn’t sunning hot forever and like the old folks always said” bergumbiralah sementara masih ada”, “kita tak selalunya muda”.

And, how to end your perfect morning in the best way? I can come up with one solution here. Go to your lovely room; switch on your fan to the highest speed, shut all the window and switch on you laptop or computer, search for a song called “ beautiful day”, then find your blanket, now it is all perfect for you to sleep. Sleep all day long until you tired of it then wake up, go take a bath. with a cup of warm tean in hand, a cigar in mouth, you go to whatever perfect place you can find around your house, to watch another " perfect situation" to end up you day; the sunset. Yeah!!

dream and hope the girl i like to call " cik Z" might be there soon.

Dedicated to aizat anuar, farid zaki, ummi nadhirah and suhilmi sukri.

2009-11-10T20:00:00.000+08:00

Winning the game

Antara hak untuk hidup……………
Antara cinta dan neraka………………………
Antara kasih dan surga………
Antara kawan dan derita…………………………
Antara sahabat dan gumbira ……………………………….
Antara nafsu dan citarasa…
Antara mewah dan sengsara……
Antara miskin dan ceria..................
Antara itu ada cerita……………………

Life is like a game. So even game without any kind of guideline for him to read, and maybe in some kind of cases he could understand which the right paths he should take are. Life is like a game without any written strategies for him to map his mind, to control his lust and halfwits desire. All he gets is a book, a very holy book he learned and read long ago. A kind of book with thousand of unsold mysteries, a zillion parts of stories about the past and future, for what things did already
happened and things are happening in this right time for things has will be happening right in the future. This book is not just like any other book, this is book straightly came from the upstairs which is only God knows its secrets and this is the only book who can help him now. Sadly, now it’s too late for him, he had forgot all how to read that book, he left it years ago, he thrown all of it into the deepest side of his heart and so hardly to open it for this kind of moment. Sad, and very sad for him.So sad for a Muslim like him. What exactly had happened? Why he had lost all the way into the most world of ungodly world? Why? All these kind of questions keep playing in his head like a big list of play list of his favorite songs which had made him drown into the fucking dam of hallucination. He knows what he had done, he knows why all of it happened but it is his wrong when he so lost just to taste the other side of wonderful life? Love and lust, money and desire are all his intentions. Heaven and Hell truly exist. He believes in Islam, Quran and Hadith. He believes in God, Allah is one and watching every human movement on earth include him. He believes in God Power, created the entire universe and the mysteries behind all of existing. He believes Allah is the almighty. He believes.

Lately, he had been through so many things. His life was completely messed up. Slept in the morning and stay up in night.He needed reason, He need answer. He did not know, not even a little piece of ideas had coming through his vessels and flows straight to his mind for what he should do to fix things. He did not know. Maybe he should take a long silent sleep. He needs rest. Yes, he needs rest. He sits on his bed, light up his Winston and looks moony to his roommate. Maybe he should score this semester. Show to his ex what he capable off. Maybe, he should study all day long, understand everything and put himself on the list of all time 4 flat pointers. Yes, maybe his ex will shock, maybe she deserves that, she always underestimated him. Suddenly, a song comes down by the radio,a song he liked so much, a love song, which he cannot forget, a song called “Ain’t no mountain high enough” sang by the Marvin Gaye. Then, he remembers once, not so long ago he got someone who loves him, got someone who dared to die just for him. He had someone who being able to fulfill his lust, she entirely between her mind, her heart and all herself just for him, but sadly, she just not enough for him. “Ain’t no mountain high enough”, she was not the very best girl for him, she not the type of girl that can satisfy his imaginary mind of what he wanted for his dreamed girl. “Ain’t no valley low enough”, she not that deep, not qualify, certainty not at all. “Ain’t no river wide enough”, she not beautiful in the way he always wanted for his lover one. He wanted his girl wide, wide in everywhere, wide open the horizon and she could ever accept him, all of him. Greed maybe the right word, he found someone more essential, some more gorgeous, some with more hottier and quickly he fell in love. He fell for his lust, and that girl had what he dreamed, what he always dreamed in life. Yes, love is so unfathomable. Love is hard to understand. Love is so mysterious. Love ain’t no fairytale world and the most important thing is love is all about money. How did we express our love? How did we show our love? Is it enough we just love then someone will live happily ever after? The truth is not. Nothing in this pathetic world is more important than money. Money can possess us with great power. Money can buy peace. Money can sell gut and money can influence love. Money is the thing he doesn’t have. Money is on earth he ever wanted. What he should do to gain money? So his ex will beg him for love. Therefore, every woman sleeps with him on bed. His lust just too big. His lust completely nesting in heart. His lust is the things he always remembered in mind.

Today is the most fucking boring day, hot then, he undressed and light up his Winston then off to the rest room. Alone in toilet for business make he thinks, money just too filthy makes everyone so desperate. A widow, he knew, desperately to live her life without a man called husband, die in HIV because money had turned her into motherfucking world, prostitution. A girl he knew not long ago,a girl from his childhood world had leave her mom and unforgiving disappointed her dad just
because they did not accept a man she chose for her life. That man for what he heard had fat pocket and the girl was completely fell for him because of money. A month later, in the quiet silent of the same old same old night he heard his old mate talked about that girl, all he heard was the girl turned out to be GRO in so so club night in Kuala Lumpur. Her husband because of money was selling her. A friend of him, a man with uncounted desire for girls had thousand of loan, a big fat liability for him to settle. He loaned a lot of money just to buy gift and present for his girls so do his girl will accept him on bed. Yes, this man will do whatever it takes to fulfill his desire. This man was a dandy, this man was a womanizer and for what he knew, this man just couldn’t live his life without felt the satisfaction taste of a girl in weeks. Every week this man will hunt for girls and treated them as best as he could then the night will end on bed. He agrees, money is more powerful than anything, but do we need to sell our soul just for money? This is shit. Not in his mind to rip his soul for money. All the humankind did desperate for money. Some of them lost to the money money insanity game. Money is the thing that always wins and money is the some men man God. Yes, it is true.

What he should do? He lies on his bed, feel more comfortable than before. He like it, he likes the way when he finally found the right reason to lie in bed. God, he likes laying o his bed. Back to his problems, the matter of his troubles, what really he should do? He really sick when that question repeatedly singing in his head and he really tired for not finding the right answer. Money for all of us already know, had brought a lot of unwanted tragedy. People fighting for money to gain power and luxury, and people like him, like his family like other thousand of them out there are the victims. Be the victims and remain poor until now because of the corruption played by the politician. They playing their game with highly tactical attribute and everyday they are winning it. He knows and always knows, deeply inside, he never trust all of them, the hand behind the government, the hidden hand. These hidden hands have suck all the public’s money into their own account silently,and acted like they are the kindest people on the planet. Good in words, they are really good in
words. The doubled face douche bag he called it. Look at every time the election coming, the voting day, bunch of them, all the party counted, they played their game with the divine strategies, spend millions of money just to win the game. The ruler government has to, must to win the game so their shits are remain safe, remain close and everybody will save. The other oppositions are trying their best to influence public to vote for them. Still uncounted of money has been burn into the sea of
corruption also just to win the game. Just to win what he like to called “the divine game”. Yes, they wanted their politics to win, and they also wanted to win to rule to gain power and standing on the top of the nation mountain build by the public, like him. He sick and tired, he jaded by all of this, fuck to those pezzonovantes, all of them, all the party are shitting on each other face. A tell shit story about B and B tell shit story about A. it happened every time. Yes, every time. They rather talked about shit than talked about how to improve public life. Do something more meaningful to the Red White Blue and Yellow than just talked about ‘development’. He guessed, it all about money, money had turned humanity into the world of shit, and he knows him too. Religion has been separated from the law, religion has been ripping from the judiciary, and yet none did something to fix these things.He loves to live his life in the humanity law. He free from begs on mistakes. Yes, but, does Islam suppose to be in all part of life? Does democracy or communist or any other stuff are important than Islam? He believes Islam is the divine religion and most flexible in judgments all the wrong in society. He did not understand.News, a woman being rattan by islamic law because of boozing. And suddenly all people got shocked, people thinks it was the awful decision, but the wrong one doesn't complain at all. Why other people so concerned hugely on this kind of things, she ,the one who made the mistakes say nothing unless she request her punishment to be taken immediately. All he knows, this woman though,maybe on his point of view, what she did was wrong and the punishment was all right.She has been given the right punishment as the redemption. Guessed, everyone scared and they forbid to booze like they used to be. Is it the great thing? People stop to booze due to the rattan. Human are truly funny. Yes, him too. He scared too.

Asar is coming, Azan by someone by the mosque, beautiful and loud as always and as usual he never feel like the Azan calling for him. Calling into a work, he must do, and giving all his face to the Almighty. He never feels like praying, he never feels to pray for his absolution.He did know he sinned. He did know he did all wrong but somehow in this right time, he don’t think he has to pray,maybe in some other time, or maybe when he older, when he feels like he dying. Pray just for old timers who wait themselves for the grave. Islam has been with him long, so long since he born into world, since first he breath into the air of the Creator. His mom and of course his dad had taught him all about Islam, maybe not all but well enough to be a good Muslim. A Muslim that at least prays five times a day and never fails to do it when the time comes. He once, when he was a kid, he did never failed to de so but as the times passed by, as the times he learned much things about life, he totally forgot. He lost in the wrong direction and until now, he still fails. Mosque is not too far just five minutes walking but he never set his foot into the mosque, the House Of God which he suppose to spend more his time there than spend it to fuck around, boozing until late night and lying on his bed looks like he has nothing to do. Yes, he has nothing to do at all. All his time he does his time. He opens his lappy and begins to surf, try to look for something new. Turn out, all the pictures of past remains on board. There is a big meaningful smile on his face. He loves his school year.School was the place he had spends most of his times to grow, school was the mediumfor him to learn, to taste every single things as teenagers. School was the channel for him to meet friends, friends he love the most and friends he trust all his gut. School was the things he missed much. School, was the very best things had happened to him.He thank to God, god always gave him the best roommate that he can ever had. Maybe, god wanted him to learn some lessons; god never wanted him out of the straight line. He looks straight, and takes his friend’s guitar and begins to play. “Scarecrow Adam”. The song played with the same chords but with different style of strumming. Each part of strumming had their owned style. Like each of his roommate. In school, god gave him a big and kind type of human. They had being good as a student and never thought to play around like him. Never ever failed to fulfill pray five times a day. In college, once again god gave him the same type of person, with different range of attitude. He definitely knows that, but never wanted to be like them, to be good as every other humankind, as a Muslim, good as slave to the Almighty too. Not anyone in this whole universe has the authorities to judge him, only god knows and will judge him. Yes, only god can judge a person like him. He drowns in the world of hedonistic. Pleasure was the roots, lust was the cream of the crop of his life and nothing else is unnecessary. He lies back on his bed, look up to the ceiling. Watch the fan circulating around, like life, it circulating around sometime he be in the top and sometime he be in the bottom of unflattering unearthly life.

He stands by the window looking for the red sun. He love and most of his evening he will be on the same spot he stands today to watch the red sun. Red but like no normal red. Red like a burning soul of an angry man. God truly the greatest power God truly has no ending. God exist without a place.Anywhere we go, anywhere in this tiny little world, anywhere cave to hide, God always there watching on every movement of our foxy mind. The stories of every humankind are already written, the fate the faith and the ending, all in God power. Here on earth, we live on a unsilver screen, no director but just us as the actor. We act our role and talk about our lines. The script of untold journey for heaven hell and for us to remember it is truly end. Earth, the wonderful earth, we live in the different land, with different colors of skins, different politics but all of us is the same. No discrimination by God. He love to think about earth, how on earth the earth being created. We have moon to accompany our night, the stars for us to tell secrets in heart, the sun as the lighter, and the igniter of world for certain amount of times. We have mountains to climb, we have rivers to swim, we have seven oceans to fish, we have greenish trees to plant, we have various colors of flower to colder a cold’s heart and as we did realize or not we did have the wonderful world’s infrastructure for us to live. Is it still not enough? Greed. Yes we all greed. He greed. God created him to live in the world, to do good things and pray for the good things. Pray to the Almighty and slaving entire himself, body and mind, not to slave himself for lust, for money and love. “Allah, please ignite my way home”….he search for good and good will come to him. He search for worst, and worst comes immediately in bunch of different uniforms to create a new route out the straight line.

Bercintalah pada yang satu,
berbuatlah pada apa yang di seru,
berkasih pada apa yang di harus,
bersayanglah pada jiwa jiwa yang kudus,
nikmatilah hidup pada kadar yang sederhana,
kerna Allah itu maha segalanya..

Money lust and love are the liability. Handle it wisely. The end.

this is another piece of shits.another piece full with wrong grammar. i got no ideas and the story was so messed.sorry to the reader.

2009-11-05T04:19:00.000+08:00

table for two or three

"couple" for what i have in mind is for the two persons in love. they talk about things happen from the past, now and here and some things they dreamed for their future. usually, normally, "couple", they talk about what they wear for monday, what they do in tuesday and even what they eat in wednesday. all the bla bla bla and for the first certain period of coupling, they never get tired of telling stories about they do in a day.

they also share things or stuff or what is more precisely,stories about all the goods or bad things happened to them in the past. they talk about the pain they gone through, all the fucking things which make them cried for years,they talk about all the trophies they got, about all the success they achieved, which are all the goods stuff.and for the future, they talk about all the goods they dreamed about, what they wanted for their life, about how they'll live their life in future, and even about how many kids they ever wanted in future. all the ambitions, dreams and hope.easy to explain, " couple" is the place for them to share their life and all the fucking joy and the pain.

"friend", as what i want to deliver here are, "friend" talk almost the same things of what a couple talk about. it is definitely true. we can share all the happiness and the fucking things happened to us in the past with friends. all the goods things we wanted for our future and also the things happened to us in monday,tuesday wednesday and even thursday. " friend" also is the shoulder for us to share all the joy and the fucking things had happened to us. but, what are the different between "friend" and "couple"? what are so special about coupling? if we look generally here, there are no different between "couple" and " friend" if the topics they talk almost are the same things. i've been thinking for days about the fucking specialties of "couple".

i guessed, as what all of you will think about, it is the true nature of human that they will search for love. and, the stuff or things they talk about, yes ,indeed, it is the same things, but maybe the "feel" is practically different. maybe, when we tell stories to a person we called "lover", it has some kind of "feel" that we cannot felt when we tell stories to friend. the "feel" which make our heart beats in the different tempo of normal heart "friend" beats.the sensation "feel" which make all the heart of love flowering, raining in moods of we cannot determine and tell. maybe.

if we look down more physically, " couple" which make it is more special than "friend" are, "couple" can add more sensational kiss and lot of fascinating hug. they did talk about the same things we talk to our friend, but kiss and hug are the things we never can do with friends. it is awkward. it is forbidden. it is fucking unusual. maybe, kiss and hug are the real things they search or want in the world of " couple". they search for lust to full fill their desire. they search for sensation and fascinating moments which all we cannot find in "friend". maybe.

as for conclusion, i think, "friend" is the fucking best place for us to share our joy and pain because friend is last forever. and couple? fuck, not all fucking things we can share. we need to consider millions of things before we share something ,in case to jaga perasaan dia. true? which one is more important? tepuk dada tanya selera.

2009-11-03T06:39:00.000+08:00

Substitute

When a boy registers to a new boarding school and he all alone, no friends, he begin to search for a new friend to keep his life in a new environment. He does need friends to substitute his old friends back at home. Then, he find this boy, they talk and quickly be friend. It turned out, his new friend, that boy, he nothing different with him, he does need to substitute his old friends back at home has to
find to live his life in new school too. He find him and quickly they be friend. He and he are both the substitute for each other.

When a clerk is getting a promotion to replace an old manager because he is young and energetic,he gives full dedication to his job, he deserve the position appointed for him. He surely happy and satisfy with his new position. On the other hand, the old man had being replaced from his position as the manager of the company to a new energetic man because he too old to carry his job. He maybe old, but he still has a wise mind, but what could he do, his boss lost faith in him just because he is old.
The clerk is the substitute for the old man. The old man is the victim, so he also consider as the substitute for the clerk.

When a band lost a bassist, then they started to search for a new one. They search very hard and find someone suitable, someone skillful, and someone what I like to call he has the’ gifted hand’. He deserves it. On the other hand, the old bassist, he left his band because he has some kind of new ideas and begins to search to form his own band. He knows, his old band, they always talked behind his back.

When a girl failed in love, she truly frustrated, she truly depressed with her life. Her love was all her life. She all alone has no one to share her life with. Then, she begin to search for a new man. A new man to replace the old love. A new man to fill the emptiness. On the other hand, the old lover, that man, he left her because he found new girl, a new beautiful girl. He happy with the new girl, but it turned out the girl he love now accepted him just to fill her emptiness. The girl and the boy, they both also the substitute.

What I’m saying here, we all here are the substitute people. Either we are the substitute or we were the substituted. Sometimes, people, they substitute another people for job, for friend, for love and for their own needs. We all here are the substitutes to replace an empty position or situation or heart. Thinks about how do we treat our friend and lover, do we treat them like a substitute or we treat them as if we really need them. Urgh, fuck..what am I saying? I don’t even understand a word. It is hard to explain.

It is hard to be a substitute for any kind of institution, but we have to accept it and live with it because we all are the substitute people. Fuck. Xphm lansung ape aku tulis.

2009-10-29T02:30:00.000+08:00

Tattoo

After all these years all in regretful mood, she stands on the right land she stands five years ago looks for the rainbow. Five years ago, there was rainbow too. Seven colors in seven different concentrations of seven different penetrations. Violet was her favorite one, and five years after, which is now, violet still the one fascinate her. She never changes. Alone, she open up her big eye to horizon, the sky looks so blue. Alone, she looks downward and the water is blue too. She can see the image of the sky in the so cold water, like there,there are two skies. Up and down. The picture of the hate remains like no other solutions for the right solutions. Once, they were great family, they like the winter on spring, like the Halloween in Christmas, like 31th of August in Raya eve. Once, they were great family, there were seven of them like the colors of rainbow. She was the violet one, so cold and silent, so calm so mature. She understands, life must be go one, the bygones let be bygones but it is hard to seek absolution. It is hard to say sorry when everyone speechless, redundant about what had happened. She walks through the lake and eying the green forest on the other side of the blue water. There is birds flying upside the trees and singing the hilarious songs she ever heard. It is must be good if she can understand the bird’s language. It is must be good if she can be like those birds, flying freely with friends and the hate never comes around them. She looks at the white sands, millions of tiny particles comforting her foot. Uncalculated sands, like her hope for her forgiveness, like her wish for every of them be as the old days. The good old days. She walks and walks without any destinations until she feels tired and begins to sit on a bench near the big shadow tree. An oak tree, there they used to sit and talked about their life, their love one and what is good for their future. The scar of their name still on the stump and for those happily moment they spend there. A tiny of tears falls down wetting her cheek and her eye full of waters.

He was a man with huge range of attitude, he hates to hide what he has in mind and treat people like they were bunch of rubbish. He had numbers of uncounted guts, brave like the gladiator of coliseum. He thought he was the greatest of all humankind; he was the one they should respect. He is very cynical, he has a lot words in mind. Only his only wife can understand to read his words, being able to translate his face. Only his wife he had, wife with unfiltered face, a woman called wife he love the most, a kind of soul mate he care most in the whole world. Since the revolution of evolution, since the tragedy of untold hatred he still here, in a place he called little heaven. The golden paddy field always a great place for him to freeing his mind, to take all the possibility he should take in flowering his flowerlike world. There, a tall coconut tree standing tall and a symbol of pride like him. He used to sit there when he was a kid, and now the situation has never been change, he loved to be there. Love all the pictures hypnotize his views, he begin to paint. Paint all the all activities playing onside his eye, the puyu fish in the clear water, the kids playing kite and the bayan bird flying high in the widest sky. There, was a place he used to play like those kids when he was a kid, there, was the place for him when he felt like fishing. Puyu, his favorite fish of all kind of fishes he love to eat. Amusing when all those memories playing back, all he hope is the happy time he has in the childhood, not the tragedy happened five years ago, sick like the pain in the ass. The sick with no remedy, the sick with no antidote and sick remains until now, manipulate all this wits to seek for solutions. His wife, she goods, she all goods but the right time had came when the box full of hatred, and then she left. Why? Fuck why.

Aizat was always the amusing one, Fadirul was the inspirations one and Zamru was the one with the big mouth. There, the three of them stand just not too far from the tv, watching the “beautiful view” by Silverchair. The rest time already over but they still there, drown in the world of beautiful inviolable music, which they extremely highly interested. They were good friend, they were bunch of young with the anthem of the year 2000, the young with the high ambition, the young hope for flying colors in fact, in the mean time, the beautiful view had created a new world, a new retro motion world for them. A bunch of young minds wished to rock the world. He read the story continuously, silent and every words seems reminding him about his teenage years. Yes, he was fifteen, he fresh and he once has the time in the past of beautiful view. The book called ‘indignity of uncalculated stars’ wrote by Farid Ahmad Zaki, a great author, one of the characters in the story line. This book is an inspiration for expired skin man like him. The story is about friendship and highly deeply motivation for him, to overlook his problem, his trouble with six friends he had once in his like life. Six friends he remembered once have a great time together. The story move to the chapter when the three of them has been separated into new environment, a new piece of life in the middle of nowhere so called force of the nature. The force which can illuminate the nature, the force which can darken the nature, the force which can fix the in stabilize of the true nature. He read like he like reading so much, he read as he had forced to be in the anthem of the year 2000 year. Many things he did like about those years, many unforgettable tattoos remain on the dead skin, many dramas and many little things called you. Friends, everyone need friend, as every birds too need friends. Friends means a lot, friends is the greater gift for all mankind, friends, which his friends like a tattoo on his skin, never ever he left them in any kind of situations. In the days of wealthy, in the days of short skin, in the days of happiness too, he never filled his day alone. Friends. Now, he all alone. Reasons? Fuck reasons..

It is hard to trust someone. It is hard to force her into trusting a man with the foxy minded. It is hard to make people to trust her. It is hard to win love if no trust in heart. It is hard to build a relationship based on trust and self-trusting self to trust a man she love. Pigeon fly half to the sky and pigeon fly low down to the centre of the park where she sits down on a hard rock near the pine tree. She loves. There was a man, long ago. Man with bright face, always looks further to find the best future for him. A man wanted to stand on the peak of the highest mountain, trying all he can to pick one real big giant star. A man with all she liked. Indeed, she loved. She loves the kind of man with high ambitions. She loves the mind with huge energy. But, this kind of man, she never trust him. Reasons? Empty. There are no reasons, just bunch of silly instinct.

Some say, sometimes, some things best to be unsaid. Some say, sometimes, some things go perfectly without explanations. Why? Some say, sometimes, some things of explanations hurt. The reality hurt. Yeah sometimes, some things indeed hurt. Just let it flows zero. Empty. No words. Just bunch of unthough of unknown. Positive and negative.

2009-10-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

resah melayu

bila akal sudah tak terletak dikepala
bila jiwa sudah dibasahi dengan bahasa
bila falsafah membatasi agama
bila budi dibiarkan mati
bila adat tak dituruti
bila bahasa menjadi duri..

melayu itu tak pernah layu
melayu itu tak pernah lemah
melayu itu sedar diri
melayu itu berpijak dibumi sendiri
di tanah tumpah darah sendiri

kerna acuan mereka
melayu itu lupa
kerna ajaran mereka
melayu itu alpa
kerna desakan mereka
melayu itu papa

angin timur akan bertiup kembali
bila tiap-tiap nafas bersatu
angin timur itu menghempas membuli
bila tiap-tiap jiwa menjadi satu
angin timur kencang menjadi deras
bila tiap-tiap akal disekat keras
biar ada sempadan
biar ada kengkangan
biar sederhana..
anigin timur itu angin melayu..
yang tunduk sujud dibumi..
dibawah panji Yang Maha Mengasihi..

inspirations through' forum org muda'..standing ovations..syabas!

2009-10-26T23:40:00.000+08:00

epilog seorang cibai

aku ajak kau buat baik
kau kata aku macam taik
bila aku ajak kau buat kejahatan
kau kata aku macam syaitan

hati kau tak pernah percaya
hati kau penuh dengan curiga
hati kau asyik dengan alpa
hati kau dihimpit nestapa
dulu kau penuh semangat
dulu kau tak pernah penat
aku suka kau yang dulu yang cukup hebat

aku ajak kau beriman
kau kata aku ni sialan
bila aku ajak kau kepada kejahatan
kau kata aku macam syaitan
kau memang gampang
kau memang buat aku rasa nak lempang..

macam altimet pun ada..haha

2009-10-23T12:26:00.000+08:00

Keep on rocking in the free world.

Punk, very somewhat fast in the mode of hanker after, sometime so mellow to melt down the emotion and sometime so hard for any better a rubbish of stone. It is the dirty old some kind of legendary that influenced all over the years of the nineties. Smell like teen spirit is like a theme soundtrack of the era of bleaching jeans to the Jeremy in the era of fucking pale shoes. It is all about the dirty old shirts filled like nothing than the best dirt. The melodies still in persona tones, the fascinating rough’s core has never been gone and the roots are still better than any lines on the town. Jack Purcell as what in remembered, in old black or dark blue or yellow dirt white like a stage of a pride, the pride of a proud that carry on the shoulder of a big brilliant men. A guitar, the very best instruments like any other can produce the great pace of the divine magical sounds. The lines, the chords, the melodies, the music so good in enthusiast the feeling then followed with the good expressions next. What makes it so powerful? Guess, it present that there are no problem troubles in lane, present that have nothing to care, no rules of notes for us to notice, it just anti perfection. The sound that is just drowns to rock the world. Yes, it shows men rocking the world with the precious picks and shivered fingers, singing a song about stories that no men can almost interpret. Singing in the moods of no men can translate. Sing in the phrases of so indecipherable. That the beautiful of it, not much to consider fucking shit and everything gone unplanned, unorganized, and perfected of anti perfection. Grunge. Fuck.

The drug, the mean fucking drugs repression out the creativities, riddance out the flair from heart shape box of dark cold hallucinations improving the creative blood rush to our little brainy. The drugs has impetuous someone to produce some kind of songs, the songs that is so implausible, the kind of songs happen to untie the gravity. Hits and wonder all over the world. The drugs have thousand of illusions, impression on expressions and make us seeing world so differently. In the straight line, drugs are like writing poems, poems for every man free land of negativity. Men in high, or wrap with something called stone are in some kind of in the ways, are on a journey to taste the little part of liberty. The drugs drive men to feel what is like to be free. The drugs are like friendship of unbreakable vow. The friendship of untarnished memories makes every man to miss all the happy times they shared, all the wonderful moments that leads to the every inch of in tasteful taste. All miss. The drugs forced men to be so wrong in decisions, offer them packs of lack of abilities to judge something. The drugs could make things disappear. All the pain, the sickest sick, the unforgettable hates all in one has gone at least for a little while and kept enough in the room of other dimensions. The drugs, has put themselves on the top of impious, impiety men to forget God. The drugs has made men so god damn believe in philosophies. Sadly, drugs truly so divine. Drugs. Fuck. aceton.

Girls, for every man definition is the highest vocabulary of satisfaction. Girls, for every man in the minds are to increase the size of population. Girls, for empty decorations are to fill the zero into love. Girls are for men to give back what they deserve. Girls are for men to shows their guts. Girls, are for men to share their life, and in the deepest side of every men, girls are for sex. Yes, girls build for sex. However, for the truth, girls, are made from a piece of men bone, a bone placed at the left side of men. Not, made from the bone of the foot of men so every men can torture girls like a dog, not made for every men can treat them like machines, not for every men to put their foot onto their head. The bone, also not made from any men’s head, so every girls can rule, not for girls to control and not for any girls to intercept the men’s leadership. But, girls were made from the bone placed at the side of men, so for every men to share their life with, so for every men to love them, so for every men to guide to the right directions. Shit,sound so bullshit.

Ain’t a piece of shit. Ain’t a piece of hard rock, ain’t a piece of fucking ballad, just did it in my point of view. Why are all these things came through my head? Guess this is the right formula of the true Rock n Roll. Rock n Roll = Grunge + Drugs + Girls. Nailed it!!

2009-10-23T12:16:00.002+08:00

river on nil

as the flower grew on the field,
as every petal die no shield,
as we are save, as we are save,
let the love gone with the feel,
let the feel heal your ill,
and on this very night,
i open up my heart,
just for you i'll knight,
just for you i might.
rain in nil, rain on aza flows in nil.

2009-10-23T12:16:00.001+08:00

indecision

couldn't believe yesterday,
couldn't believe it in every way,
the night seem much shorter,
the times tick so faster,
the love that has gone forever..

i wouldn't write much,
i wouldn't care large,
since i'm here,since i couldn't try hard,
i wouldn't sing loud,
since i'm here, since i am forced to shout..

understand,
she never can't stand,
as i leave my own land,
as i leave my own sand,
as she leave me in pain,
she never can't stand....

2009-10-06T20:23:00.000+08:00

HUMMING BIRD

The road still long but every minute seemed to be quick. The road still long but every moment came with untold emotion, unthoughtful-of perception, much miscalculated probability. The road still long since he long gone. He had sinned. Everybody knew and he had to face it, take everything he had to take, long after he ran away. He ran from his entire mistakes. Maybe, he scared, maybe he afraid, well maybe, he doesn’t wanted it to be that way. It happened. It was written in his book of life with all God power. No matter how hard he tried, how good he had to be, he just can’t changed what God had planned for him. He looked outside. A very perfect view and he like it. Suddenly, this kind of view gave him a little peace in his mind. A peace long he searched for. A peace he can’t found. He ran far, far from all people he knew, far from the sea he loved, far from the hills he liked, a place where he can find his peace. Home sweet home he guessed. There no such place better than home. There were all hills and trees. The sky looked so blue, so blue than any other sky he saw before, and the sun, looked angrier than ten years ago. Ten years before he decided to left all his life there. He wanted to be a new man, a man which can take all the responsibility, a man with a man’s heart. A man with the lion’s gut.

"Take me to your heart, feel in your bone, just one more night, and I’m coming from this long winding road, I’m on my way, I’m on my way, home sweet home"..Montley Crue, Home Sweet Home.

He never had been good to anyone, not since he learned from all his mistake. He learned what all he had to learn when he was a kid. His Father had taught him well. No doubt. He never blamed him for what he became nowadays. Many place he went. Many pictured he saw. Much smell he smelled. Many people he been with. Just, all like them, all like us, we can’t run for what mistake we made. He knew now. He had mom he love the most, and dad he missed. He is on his way to home. On his way to place like heaven. A world’s heaven. Yes, heaven for people like him. He believed everyone had their own heaven in this world. Maybe, it is not so ‘heaven’ like real heaven but at least he felt like it even Heaven seemed too far for him. Far for people had sinned like him. Huge sinned uncounted, just God knew it. He looked like he never found this view in any place he had been. Like in a very memorable dream. He had dreamed about this place so many times. Guessed dreamed brought him home. He knew this road. He knew every path on this road. He knew. The smells still the same. He missed it. Really missed his home. He shut his eye for a minute then all the painful memories remain…..

“Farid, Ayah don’t ask much from you, Ayah just wanted you to be a good man, be a good friend for society, be a good friend to your brother and sister and most importantly be a good slave to god. Ayah had taught everything Ayah could for you. Just don’t you dare to….”

He had tried all he could do to be what his father wanted for him. He took all the pain to be that way. But, life seemed so difficult. One day, on the night of the very same night as yesterday, a very calm night and the moon looked so beautiful than any ever night before, he took his bike then began straight to Mek Nadhirah’s store. There was fifty ringgit in his pocket which his mom asked him to buy some goods for his home. On that very night, there, he jump to old friend of him, a very good friend of him. They were a friend since them still young and fresh. A friend he trusted than any other friend. A devoted friend. The only friend he had since he left his home to boarding school. They had a little talk then..all he remembered he had been caught by dozen of men in a bush very near to a very big tree just outside the mosque the with 1.2 milligrams of coke. His father was there too with one liter of tears came down straight from his eye. Looked so frustrated. He knew, his dad very disappointed in him. He swears to God, he never faced his father’s face like this, in seventeen years he lived in this big world. A face made him cried. A face made his life turned to dark. No more rainbows for him. No more happiness if he being honest. But, it is fair to blame him for all of this? It is fair? He never wanted to taste it. He never ever thought to lick those devils’s shit. He just…

“Where is the thing call beautiful, I don't think it's wonderful, just to fake it, ain't so sweet, ain't so numb and it’s not because of me”- Me, Butterfingers, 1.2 milligrams 1996

He regretted. It was true. Never wanted to do it anymore. He really meant it. He never dared to suck those entire devils’s milk anymore. It was very true. Now, right this moment he promised, promised in the name of God, he’ll never tried or intended to smell all those mistakes anymore. He promised. It was not the only time he had promised, he never counted, just for him, he’ll promised and promised until the time he don’t know when. Maybe, he will promise until he died. As the road getting dark, the rain fell. Cold as usual. Took his sweater in beg then wore it. Dark red sweater with white stripe on the shoulder. If he gave top five sweater of all time he had, this sweater will be on top. This was his all time favorite sweater. He loved it. He loved the girl gave him this sweater on the night he met on his father’s wished. On the night they met on the legal relationship. He wished, no matter where she now, hoped God gave her all the best she can have. All the best she deserved for. He still remembered…

“I hope u slept now, I hope when you wake up tomorrow, it will be the very best day for you, I hope you wake up with the best soul, I hope you wake up with the best wealth, I hope you wake up with best things in mind, hope you wake up with full of love. Hope there is still a little for me. I hope”.

Life full of undecided things he guessed. Life full of lies. He had love. He had a very deep love. He had a kind of love that can change a man’s lustful life. He had the type of love that can trade all the bad things to whole new life full of colors. He hoped. There was a girl he loved so much. Same love Romeo gave to Juliet, same as Laila love about Majnun. He loved her with full of his heart. He thought like all man, wisely that this woman was the woman of his life. He knew that. Confidently, he seemed really confident. They had been loved for months and he really wanted it ended with husband and wife. Maybe, it was the time for him to be an idol for his child, be a good husband for his wife. Yes, maybe that was the right decision for this very right time. Like all man, he brought his girl to meet his parent. He knew they will like her. He knew

“Farid, I am your mother, and Mak know what good and bad for you. Uya is the wife for you. Mak know it. If you love me, and want me to be happy, you have to marry this girl. Just forget about Ummi. I don’t see what is good in her.”

His parent, on the other mind has their own girl for him. A good girl for a guy like him, a very unpredictable guy. They thought. A month after that, there was a shock and all people were panicked. Ummi came to house and claimed that he was the father of the son she pregnant for. All he knew, he never had touched her even by only one finger. They never make out, never ever make love. How dared she came on the first night for him and Uya. There was a big fight happened. It was hard for him to think about it. Such a chaos, apocalypse, like tsunami had ate million of people on this planet. He can’t rate it. It just too huge for him.

“hanya tuhan ku berserah"
"pada siapa aku mengadu pada dirimu" - P.Ramlee

“Splat on the ceiling, shaping a tear, unhappy with the slightest stain on your soul, flooded with choices, you narrow your way, so people will love you, some people you'll see”

Suddenly, Butterfingers, Malayneum, 2001

He sat down on a bench in a small station waiting for a new bus. He took his desirable rest. There was still a long a road to take. A long winding road for him to go. A very long road, he just couldn’t waited enough longer. He wanted for forgiveness. He wanted an absolution from his mom, his late father and his abandoned wife for years. He looked upside watch the free bird flying high in the sky. Wish he can be a bird, so he can fly and flying to nowhere..free from all, free from any man any bitter sweet things. He lighted up his Winston and began to smoke.

“ Farid, Mak has nothing to ask you, just I hope you be a good man. Study well for our family. Mak don’t want you to be like me, poor and most important thing, do not ever you smoke. Do you see your father? He ill and the smoke are killing him. You are my son and Mak love you so much”

“Yes Mak, I try my best and don’t you worry about me. I have a beautiful mind and I promise I’ll change our life and family. Ha..about smoke, I hate smoke and can’t see why people smoke. They look like a bunch of loser for me”.

He had promised for his mom, yes, the promise he never intended to break. He smiled, a very mellow smiled. Dumb and stupid. He thought of himself. Why people smoke? Why he smoke? Ah..that was the promised he made fifteen years ago, when he was twelve. Now? He old enough to smoke. Old enough to make his own decision. He had been on his own for a very long time, he had been alone for years, no man to ask for help when the hard time to come. No woman for him to share all his pain. Cigarette was all his friend, cigarette was all his life. He guessed mom never angry with him anymore if she found him smoke. Not like before. But seriously, why he smoke? Hum, he remembered that day. A very silver day. Bold and brave day for him. Of course, like every story there must be a girl, and this girl, Ayu, a very girly girl and was the very girl he had liked in school. He? He, truthfully was not tall, far from handsome which all girl liked about boy. There must be something he should do to show himself to the world that he was there. Now and here. He was just not a boy for flavor of the week. He had to something that all people will remembered and know about him. Yes, he got good a grade but not special enough to show himself. Yes, he got good reputation in school but slightly not good enough for girl like Ayu. Ayu, she special, just not same as any girl he can pick and kicked. She had this kind of personality that he can’t even explain. She so good in every inch he can saw. The way she sat down in class, the way she smile really make his heart beating real fast. Nothing to explain, he chose to smoke. Maybe, it’s looked good for him. Well, you know…

“Things just couldn't be the same. Cause I’m as free as a bird now, And this bird you cannot change. Lord knows, I can’t change”. Lynyrd skynyrd, 'lĕh-'nérd 'skin-'nérd,1973

He smiled, it was funny why he smoke. Ayu, where was she now? He wished she still same as old days. Slowly, he cried. He never wanted to smoke. If now, he can stop, he will stop. Right now. But, tar and nicotine, now had been a part of his blood flew through his heart, and his heart will stop beating if he can’t gave ‘him’ enough smoke even just for ten minutes. It was true. Believe in it. He remembered, his mother cried when she first saw him with smoke in his hand in the bathroom. He can’t saw his mom cried. He just can’t, or his eye will full of tears.

“Farid, why you? Why you did all this to me? Mak, never taught you all of this. Mak never wanted you did all of this. Ya Allah, why my son turned out like this? Am I wrong? Am I sinned, you punished me like this? Ya Allah, if I could do anything you wanted, I’ll do. I pray for you. I pray for you to change my son.”

The road still long and too much for him now. He needed a lot of rest. There was still a lot of stories remain unwritten. He just scared to remember it all. He did many mistakes. Mistakes that he did not dared to think about it at all. Wish all could forgive him. Some people don’t ask for forgiveness at all. Some people, they seemed too easy to let it go. Some people, they took big amount of time just to say I’m sorry. But some people, they just couldn’t forgive someone. They hurt really hard, and hated will haunted their heart, they began to think un rational. There were certain of people, they can forgive but never full of heart. They begin slowly doubled their face and the hate still on the line. Some people just don’t care. Well, the truth was, there were no people with the heart of daun keladi. Yes, it is true. Maybe, maybe, he just wanted to take his chances. It is hard to live when hate and tragedy haunted every night he slept. Just, hope, his mom can forgive him, when she still can breathe. His dad? Maybe just on his father’s grave.

Unwrite that song…Unwrite that song …
'Cause what he's saying to me don't go with that melody,
Unsing them lines about those happy times,
don’t they know she's gone, Unwrite that song,
Lynyrd skynyrd, unwrite that song, gods and guns, 2009.

And me? Yes, like any other mankind, we all did mistake. To mom and dad..Always seek for their absolution.

“Heaven never came to us if mom’s….”
“Light will guide you home, and ignite you home, I will try to fix you..” Coldplay, Fix You..

2009-10-03T03:55:00.000+08:00

A little taste of liberty

she wrote a song about him. a lovely love song with fucking great melodies. starting with A flat minor then ended with E. a perfect song for this newly couple. he loved to sing, got a great voice and everybody knew that. looked like a very perfect match. a lot like love in them. he smiled..she began to smile. they had a dream. a very inspired dream. maybe, someday..when the time came with the permission of god, the time they be a husband and a wife, they dreamed to live on a hill. not too far from town, not to deep in jungle. had 2 or 3 child would be nice and perfected the family album. back to the before harry met sally, joe met jenny, Aizat was tall fat sophomore. lived in college where he studied. he ran on a very peaceful evening to keep going his fitness. then, on the right time when the sun seemed to shut, looked light the night will began, he saw a bunch of freshy sat down on a bench near the lake. this young with stunning eye little girl, azah had a little chat with her friend. she said most and her voice was cleared as the water of the mountain. well, maybe she just love to talk. he liked she be that way. he just liked her. As a girl, a kind of girl with a beautiful mind, she got to do all the hardest pain to climb the mountain. A mountain of hope. really wanted a bright future for her life. he, on the other hand just an ordinary man.nearly a man. a kind of man that hate all the things going faster. he liked kept everything slow as the turtle walked passed down by the river. he did not wanted to be too rich, or too success.he hated rich people most with all the a term he called "get busy living". he just wanted to take all the pain to climb the wall. did not need a mountain for his life. there was a philosophy he hold since he was young as the little dave in the hands of her mom, "to get busy dying". by the power of the god, by fate, they fell in love.

" love is the powerful thing. can changed a man's soul. can ripped a women's door"

As the moon got old day by day, as the sun getting meaner day by day, here they were. so deeply in love. talked much about their future. a bright future. ate together. thought about the same things. laughed when he laughed. cried when she cried. seemed two heart had became one. yes, that would be a perfect love. looked like nothing would tear them apart. but, as thing getting slow, he felt so trapped. trapped in his own love. never got to be in field anymore. never got to go to mall with friend anymore. he did when she said he did. slowly, he tired all of those kind of things. jaded about all the "love" she gave. yes, he did love her. crazy as the right word for his type of love.

"looked up a the sky, see that star, that big bright little star, isn't is beautiful?, do you think all these star can be counted? my love never can be calculated, my love can't be valued. my love is bigger than the whole universe if you wanna know. i just love you more than harry loved sally.just love you"

she, actually this was the, well she don't know how long she has been cry. guessed, all night. a lot of things got faster, not even she can catch the day. she been thinking and thinking about her future. he seemed doesn't cared at all. doesn't wanted this kind of commitment. she did love, but she wanted to be secure. wanted to be what she wanted to be. all of her life she been dreaming. a lot of dream. with him, seemed like nothing got to happen. tired and frustrated. she ran and ran.

"boy, do you love me? look at the ocean there. see that little rock like a small tiny island there. well, take me as the rock and the ocean be my love. you'll know how big my love for you are. i just couldn't imagine how i be without you. just love you, more than joe love jenny. love you so much".

now, as the harry finally marry sally, as the joe celebrate their first son with jenny, they decided to stop for a little while. yes, they been love, deeply in love. but thing not going well for a while. at the moment. stop and take their "liberty" in the hardest pain. more higher than the mountain, not even shorter than a wall. she, frustrated. he well, cannot rate his emotion right now. and i, what i write down right now, hurm..i don't know. my head just full with "liberty" right now. for me, people never feel what liberty really are. do not love until you really love. do not give before you gave. take a longest time to love. this story not just about love. true. think about it.figure it out. what does liberty mean to you.my liberty? guess when i sleep or write. all the fucking thing disappear. so i begin to sleep more and write so much sampah these days. hope and wish all the sampah will turn to sarap one day.

eddie vader, "love ain't love until you give it up"- among the wave, backspacer.